


Abort Mission

by Pseudonymfox



Series: Abort Mission [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Blood and Injury, F/M, Fluff, Hydra (Marvel), Minor Character Death, Minor Violence, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pregnancy, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-15
Updated: 2019-04-26
Packaged: 2019-07-12 13:37:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 38,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15996323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pseudonymfox/pseuds/Pseudonymfox
Summary: You and your boyfriend have powers, now he is dead and you are expecting a baby. Hydra is interested in the child so they send the Winter Soldier.What happens if Bucky unexpectedly falls for you….





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Russian is google translated. That idea is sitting in my drafts for months. Hope it gets feedback...  
> I'll get to this after the last two or three parts of my other series "Life as we know it"
> 
> (Y/N) (Y/L/N)= Your name, your last name

[PREVIEW/TEASER]

(Credit is mine lol)


	2. Grief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and your boyfriend have powers, now he is dead and you are expecting. Hyrda is interested in the Baby so they send the Winter soldier. What happens if Bucky unexpectely falls for you….

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am trying so hard not to make an series out ouf that but it doesn’t fit everything in one or two parts UGHHH so you better appreciate the hell out of that :D
> 
> FINALLY ITS POSTED. I AM EXCITED SKSKDKSJDDK
> 
> (Y/N) (Y/L/N), (Y/A) = Your name, your last name, your age. Also I got the name Luke zamaro from a generatore site so I hope it wasn’t used before lmao

[Originally posted by beautifulcinephile](https://tmblr.co/ZU_Xht2UWgISP)

_Longing._

_Rusted._

_Furnance_

_Daybreak_

_Seventeen_

_Benign_

_Nine_

_Homecoming._

_One_

_Freight Car_

_Ready to comply._

Mission is (Y/N) (Y/L/N), age 28. Born with the ability to manipulate water. Recently deceased boyfriend Luke Zamaro, age 31 with the ability to manipulate emotions and telekinesis. She is expecting his child, probably around three to four months pregnant. Child is new potential for Hydra’s new experiment “Winter’s children“.

The Winter Soldier didn’t care for his new target, that was his mission and nothing else mattered, he couldn’t back to the chair if he failed even when is mind is trying to tell him something else. 

It was a beautiful morning, the sun just began to shine brightly as you walked out of the grocery store, sadly the first raindrops started to fall seconds after even with almost no dark cloud but your apartment wasn’t far away so you walked the rest. It probably wasn’t a good idea to lift two heavy bags by yourself while being pregnant but you didn’t thought much longer about it.

As you got home the rain started to fall stronger but luckily you managed to let the raindrops barely hit you. Luke always told you not to use your powers outside where someone could notice. It was just to dangerous and otherwise you would get sick and your groceries wouldn’t make it much longer in the paper bags.

You took the stairs up since the elevator is broken for as long as you remember you live in this crappy looking building. It was just enough space for you. It has to be since your boyfriend and father of the child died you were on the run but finally you found a place where they didn’t found you for once. You’ll never forget the night when these guys attacked you.

**-Flashback about two months ago-**

[Originally posted by s-t-a-y-i-n-g](https://tmblr.co/ZavUbq2F_Y_Mx)

Luke and you just had to leave the restaurant because you felt really nauseous the whole time and tired. It was a bummer, he planned this for weeks because normally normally you always stayed in and watched a movie. The last few days you felt a little weird but you didn’t wanted to ruin or change his plans last minute which you sadly did anyways.

“I am so sorry babe. I don’t know what came over me” you said to him while you walked home together. It was late already and the streets you were walking through didn’t seem to be the safest with no lights and almost no people beside a few drunk idiots on the sidewalk.

“Don’t worry (Y/N). We’ll just go home, cuddle under a blanket and watch a movie. We have enough time to do it another time” he said kissing your temple and hanging his jacket around your shoulders, smiling down to you with his big green eyes. Even after these almost five years he managed to let you feel butterflies and a certain warmness in your chest.

“Still are you sure you’re okay? It’s been like this for the past week..Maybe it’s something else” he asked you curious and somehow worried. Both of you stopped walking in the ally that is supposed to be a faster way to your apartment.

“What do you mean?”you asked back and held his hand.

“Well it could be-”

“Would you look at that. If that isn’t our old friend Luke and who are you sweetheart?”

A deep scratchy voice behind you cut him off a and Luke immediately stood in front of you. You knew that Luke had something to do with Hydra, not exactly what but after he told he also promised you that it’s over and they had nothing to do with him anymore. You trust him.

“Not your sweetheart you asshole” you snapped back to him. The tall men chuckled and whistled loudly. Two other men appeared at his side and you noticed two other ones were behind you as they loaded their guns and held them up to you heads.

“What do you want?” Luke asked through gritted teeth. He was really tensed,  something you didn’t see often on him which worried you even more. You met him as a really caring person with a warm smile and you instantly fell for.

“How about you come with us and we talk about it somewhere else.” he said but it wasn’t meant as a question.

“Luke..?” you asked and looked at him, not knowing what is even going on. He seemed to think about something.

“I’ll go when you don’t hurt her” Luke said sighing and took a few steps further to the men. You tried to hold him back but the clicking of the guns let you flinch up.

“How sweet of you..” the guy said and made a hand motion to the boys behind him.

They stepped towards Luke and snatched his arms behind his back. You quickly searched for help. You couldn’t fight them hand to hand and your powers are barely strong enough. You saw a dripping pipe on one of the buildings and without thinking twice you made a few hand motions to turn the water into a ball above you and into ice spikes. You looked behind you and let them fall just above the two men, killing them instantly. Luke noticed it faster and let his head snap back into the face who held him, breaking his nose and while you fought the second guy you saw Luke laying on the ground while getting beaten up from the guy. You used all you strength to let one of pipes explode knocking the last one out. Exhausted you fell to the ground, drenched in water not having anything from the energy left. That was a burden you had from using them.

You tried to stand up again as you saw the men above luke, who seemed to be unconscious on the ground snapping a knife out of his belt.

“Try your little mind tricks but they don’t work for me anymore” he said to Luke and spit out blood right in his face. Luke tried to hold the knife back and fight back.

You looked all over the place, searching for a gun from one of the guys as you found one you quickly aimed at him and shot but missed the first one. His head snapped back and you saw him smirking at you before turning back and ramming the knife into Luke’s chest while twisting it and pulling it out again. Luke let out a loud scream and grunts deeply. 

Your eyes widened in shock, your blood turning ice cold. You aimed again and shot twice before you finally hit him right into the back of his head, He fell over to the side and you let the gun fall to the ground as you ran to Luke’s side with shaking legs.

You held him tightly in your arms and saw the blood drenching the shirt and coloring the wet ground were he was laying on red. You cried and didn’t wanted to let his already cold body go.

“(Y/N)..” you heard him breathing out.

“It’s my fault…I am sorry” you sobbed and felt your whole body shaking.

“It’s not, they were here for me..I -I love you” he said and you felt his hand letting go from yours.

“No don’t you dare…NO!” you screamed at him and cried shaking his body slightly to see if he would move or react in anyway.

You couldn’t go home and all you wanted was him back. You knew it was your fault. You wanted to leave the restaurant earlier. You held his lifeless body tighter against yours and sobbed into his shoulder.

“What do I do. What do I do??“ you repeated again and again not knowing what you are supposed to do now or what is happening, how are you supposed to live now. You are completly alone now. It was always just Luke and you, now he is gone too.

You sat there at least another half hour before you heard the sirens coming closer. Knowing that you had to leave before you would end up in the cell or on the police station for most of the days.

You took one last look at his face, running you fingers through his damp hair and across his cold skin before laying him gently on the floor and ran home were you sat onto the couch and just felt numb. You couldn’t move and neither cry. Everything hurt and you still were drenched in water and blood not even knowing if some is from you. You still had his jacket on, the one he loved so much. It was a old jeans jacket which was way to big for you but still it always made you feel safe and sound.

The next morning you finally stood up and just were about to take a shower as you wanted to slip out of the jacket a little velvet box fell to the ground. Curious you picked it up and opened it. Inside was a beautiful classic diamond ring. Now knowing the reason he planned for weeks and was always so mysterious about it. Why he suddenly wanted to go out with you in this fancy resteraunt and why he worked longer and saved more and more money.

The guilt and grief you felt grew even stronger.

**-End of Flashback-**

You moved away the week after you found your apartment being broken into and your furniture and all belongings on the ground or just destroyed. All you took was your necessary stuff and a few pictures from Luke. Moving from city to city when you felt uncomfortable, being watched or followed, you just could barely defend yourself when they got too close. 

After two more weeks you found out that you’re pregnant. The shock and angst you felt was intense but there was also a small spark of happiness. It took you about two months to find a apartment in Washington where they didn’t find you or you just felt somehow safe again, something you could call home again.

New home. New place. New everything. 

Just as you rounded the corner towards your apartment door you felt this paranoid feeling bubbling up again. Quickly you unlocked and opened the door getting inside and looking through the peephole of the door if there was anything or anyone. You could hear the footsteps quietly coming closer with one maybe stupid decision you opened the door and saw a man with shoulder length brown hair, blue eyes, sharp features and dripping from the rain while looking at you shocked or more likely surprised.

“Who are you? What do you want?“ you asked with you hand behind your back where you had a knife tucked in your belt and one on your stomach like a reflex.

“I just moved in here and wanted to introduce myself“ the man said and took a few steps towards you while you took steps backwards to your door, not sure to believe him or anyone at all.

“..I am James“ he said nicely and held his right hand to you but you didn’t took the risk.

“(Y/N)“ you said coldly and slammed the door shut in front of you. It wasn’t just that you didn’t trust him but you also didn’t wanted to make friends or get anyone else in danger. 

Well that wasn’t planned James just thougt…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback appreciated !!!
> 
> xoxo Sophie


	3. James

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James gets unwilling close to you but you act pretty cold towards him even when you can’t hold the facade up forever…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next part are getting longer which is hopefully no problem for you guys ^^ I am really proud on this series, it’s my baby so please leave feedback no matter what it is <3

He already followed you the whole day. Even when you didn’t do much he tried to always keep an eye out on you. The old jeans jackets you tightly had around you body didn’t helped much in the fact that it looked like you tried to hide that you are pregnant. You weren’t far but he already noticed you slightly swollen belly and your protective behaviour about getting people to close or how you react when something just brushes you. One side of him believed that this isn’t the right thing to do, it’s sick that he had to follow a mother around until their baby is born and then steal it away from them. (Y/N) wasn’t the only one on the long list he saw but then again the other side of him just kept the other thoughts locked away, they kept his personality away. 

From guards that couldn’t keep it for themselves he knew that his real name is James but that’s it. They always just called him The winter soldier or just Soldier, treated like shit too. He was just the puppet of Hydra and they made sure that it he believed that. **  
**

The whole way down the road he kept the distance between the both of you. Always being on the other side of the road and trying to fit into the crowd of people. After the grocery store he noticed for the first time you using your powers, you weren’t that obvious but he saw it anyway. Other people around you and he himself were completely drenched to the bone while you still looked flawless.After thinking that mission through he wanted to keep the distance and stay unnoticed and just step in if it was necessary. For a while you seemed like you were daydreaming in your own little world. Not letting anything or anyone bother you at all. Not the rain, the people and neither the probably the two fully packed bags in your hands. **  
**

As you got up the stairs he followed a little to late and tried to keep up, he noticed your stiff behaviour and your quickening movements so he stayed still shortly. As he heard the door being opened and shut again he moved again and just wanted to see in which door you got into but within the next second the door got quickly pulled open and you stepped out. It surprised him more that he didn’t act sooner or that you catched him at all but there was no turning back now without making it obvious that he is spying on you. **  
**

You looked anxious and he knew that you had a knife tucked into your jeans but he tried to act normal, at least the best he could to do is to play innocent. 

“Who are you? What do you want?“ you asked him with a serious tone. 

“I- I just moved in here and wanted to introduce myself.“ He made up not really knowing what else he could say. 

“..I am James“ he added and tried to step towards you. There was no point in keeping his first plan and keeping the distance anymore. He held his right hand out to you but you didn’t took it. You looked still unsure and suspicious at him also stepping further away from him. 

“(Y/N)“ you just said coldly and almost inaudible while shutting the door with a bang. 

That wasn’t planned he just thought and began to make a plan B up. 

—–

Behind closed doors you locked each one of the five locks you had on your door and checked if everything was on its place. You managed to have a few guns sticked under tables or your pillow. That was your usual routine, it made you feel more comfortable just in case something is happening. After you packed the groceries away and changed into a pair of sweatpants and oversized hoodie you heard a knock on the door. You snatched a gun from under the table and hid behind a couch. Not bothering to open the door or even giving a hint that you are in there. 

“Who is it?“ you asked loudly, tensed and fearing that this person could break the door in. You didn’t wanted to move again or fight again. 

“Uhm..it’s James.” you heard his muffled voice through the door.

Against the urge that told you to run away or shoot you moved to the door and unlocked it. With the gun pressed against the back of the door you opened it just a bit to look through it and the blue eyes you remembered look right back at you. 

“Something else?“ you asked him as he didn’t continue and just stared at you with a curious glance. 

“I just wanted to apologize about earlier..didn’t meant to scare you“ he smiled and rubbed the back of his neck. You didn’t know what to think about him but just sighed and replied. 

“It’s fine..I guess I shouldn’t have snapped back“ you replied, finally giving in instead being a bitch all the time even if you had reasons for it. Not the whole world has to be searching for you right? Not everyone is bad, at least you tried to tell yourself that. 

Suddenly you felt nauseous again but you could hold back. It was just the sick feeling that you hated besides that you had to sit down before you would faint right then there. You had this the last two days too. 

“You ok?“ James asked looking you over while you snapped back into reality. 

The next moment you just ran to the bathroom where you emptied your stomach, the door was still open and the you just let the gun slide on the kitchen counter. Your hands clutched the toilet and after unbearable seconds you felt how someone or rather probably James lifted your hair and let his hand ran softly up and down your back. For a moment you flinched but then you couldn’t concentrate on that right now, if would have wanted to kill he would have probably already done it.

It took a while until you were sure that it stopped, it had to be since you didn’t really ate much. Still breathing heavily and tears that strung in your eyes you slowly let go of the bowl and moved back to sit on the floor, wiping your mouth with a towel. The embarrassment you felt let your cheeks heat up as you looked to James that looked rather normal. 

“Sorry..“ you wanted to say it, to tell it anyone at all and to somehow let someone in your life. You really wanted to have that excited feeling of being pregnant but you stopped with these thoughts, after all he is kinda still a stranger to you even after what just happened. 

“Everything ok with you?“ he asked and you just chuckled quietly at how ridiculous that question is after shit literally went down and your life broke into pieces you tried to get together again but instead you just thought about another lie you could tell him. 

“Probably the flu..maybe you should go. Don’t wanna get you sick too“ you said still embarrassed as you stood up with his help and lead him to the door. 

“Ok…when you need anything just come by. I am just one floor above you“ James said and pointed up while slowly turning around and walking to his apartment. 

“Thank you James“ you called after him and he turned one last time around to you and smiled before disappearing around the corner. Closing and locking the door you decided to pass eating something now and snuggled into a blanket on the couch falling asleep within the next minutes. 

Sometimes later you heard a knock again, the first reflex you had was obviously to reach under the cushion for the gun but that wasn’t there because you forgot to put it back. These dumbasses who followed you now for some time wouldn’t even knock you thought. You groaned and began to sit up groaning and stretching. 

The last light from the sunset shone through your windows and you got to the door, looking through the peephole but with no sign of anyone being there. The fear crept up again and you took the gun that still rested on your kitchen counter. Unlocking all of the lock you slowly opened the door seeing a small bag and a note in front of it. You looked the hallway up and down before you reached for the note.

_“Maybe that makes you feel better -James“_ it said.

Still unsure you held the gun up and checked as carefully as possible what is inside the bag which was a container with what looked like soup. At first you thought about how sweet that actually was but decided not to eat it anyway even if you wanted to, it was still a risk. Not just for you but also for your baby. 

—–

[Ursprünglich gepostet von juliendouvier](https://tmblr.co/Z8M8os2KGGsss)

The next morning you got to your ‘job’ and did what you could best, Luke always laid some money back but you knew that it wouldn’t be enough for you and not even for your baby. It could pay rent and food for a few more months but not more. So you took a smaller job at a little house outside the city. 

An older couple, George and Abigail who needed help in their household, you met them on the streets and helped them over the streets, it was just a small gesture but you remembered how Abigail told you something about you having a good soul and heart and then she just offered you a job without really knowing you. 

They always reminded you of the couple in the Disney movie ‘Up’. George told and showed you a lot from his journals and pictures of places they already went in their lifes. You wanted that too, to travel around the world with your loved one, you wanted that with Luke.

Obviously you just did the easy stuff like going out with their beagle Hunter, he was also a little older but still always running around and playing with you. Besides that you helped them cleaning, making food, getting groceries, just the normal day to day work. You appreciated their help a lot and so did they. 

“Sit down (Y/N), take a break. Are you hungry?“ Abigail asked you nicely and patted the place besides her. 

“No I am fine Abi“ you smiled at her and she smiled back, George was sitting in in his chair watching football on the tv, sometimes grumbling something while Abigail and you sat on the couch. She showed you how to knit for the past two weeks and just a few more days you would have a scarf. The couple made you somehow feel at home, you never really had parents who loved you. All you knew about them is that they just gave you away, that they didn’t wanted you. You were just a baby so you didn’t really mind. The only thing bothering you was to move from family to family, it never worked out between you and either of them. That changed when you got more independent and a bit later you met Luke. 

Anyways that is the past you had to live with and after ‘work’, Abigail and George took you to the next Bus stop and waved you goodbye until you were out of sight, they did that every day when you came and when you’re on your way home again, probably the nicest and honest people you ever met.

The same day you had a doctors appointment so this is how you found yourself sitting already on the chair waiting for the doctor. It was your first time there and to say that you almost have a anxiety attack wasn’t exaggerated. Not the fact that you are pregnant. It was just that you sat there alone instead with someone on your side. You imagined it often enough how Luke would squeeze your hand assuring you and how happy he would probably be to see the first ultrasound with you. 

“Hello Ms.(Y/L/N). Already excited?“ the young women said happily as she came in and started squeezing some of the cold gel on your stomach. 

“You can’t imagine“ you mumbled and looked to the screen as she adjusted a few things until you could see a picture popping up. 

“There it is…just as big as a lemon. Everything is looking just fine with your little one“ she pointed to the small object on the screen. That was your baby. You still couldn’t believe it, as you looked at the positive test you couldn’t really figure out why and that this was really happening. This now just showed you that this was more than real. You are really pregnant with a healthy baby. You held onto the necklace with the ring hanging on it while staring at this little human you had created, partly still thinking about Luke.

“Do you want to have a picture of that?“ she asked you and you just nodded towards her, holding back a small sob and tears. 

 “Here you go. I’ll also write you some vitamins down.“ She said and handed you the picture and the recipe. 

“Thank you. When is the next appointment?” you asked her and cleaned the gel from your stomach. 

“Every month from now on and when you have a question or something doesn’t feel right just come by or call. See you both next month“ She said and already left the room. 

—–

Again as you just got near the front doors of your building, you noticed James who seemed to go home to from whatever he was doing through the day. He had a bag in his hands. You smiled at him and mumbled a ‘thanks’ as he held you the door open, what a gentlemen you thought. 

“Did the soup help?“ he asked as you both got the steps up. 

“Uhh- yeah. Thank you“ you lied to him and felt kinda bad now about it. You looked for a moment to him and noticed that he always wears gloves but that wasn’t your problem you thought trying to stay distant. Don’t get involved you said yourself. The way up felt much longer than usual you thought and kept getting slower besides that it was really weird to walk all the stairs up with him in complete silence. 

“You ok?“ you heard him ask, stopping a few steps above you as he must have noticed that you stopped to take a breath, inhaling in and out. The nausea came back and you felt light headed.

“Yeah you can go on. I am just..not fit I guess“ you said and noticed how stupid that must have sound since you didn’t took many steps yet.

“Here let me help you..“ he began saying coming a few steps down again to your level. 

“NO…I’m fine“ you said frustrated and almost yelled the first part. 

“-Sorry“ you mumbled and tears began to swell up in your eyes which your really tried to hide from him. That must have been the hormones through your first trimester you thought otherwise you wouldn’t start crying after a few steps up the stairs. Slowly you noticed how he held his left hand out but quickly changed it to his right hand for some weird reason. You held onto his upper arm which was really muscular and together you made your way up again.

“Thank you..again.“ you said and quickly got to your door before he could say anything else. 

You got to your floor now with his help. Another embarrassing moment with your mysterious neighbour James. 

The rest of the week you haven’t talked or really seen him again besides a few small waves, just seeing each other on the hallway or on the staircase and maybe a few exchanges smiles. One night you came later back from Abigail and George because you ate with them Dinner this time and back at your place you noticed Bucky sittin on the stairs like he was waiting for someone or something.

“Hey James.. Why are you sitting here?” you asked curious, you even felt like it would be rude if you wouldn’t ask and instead just walk by.

_Always be kind_ you remembered being told. 

“Locked myself out and the locks can be maybe fixed tomorrow ” he sighed and propped his arms onto his knees. 

Great now you felt bad.

You weren’t a rude person and of course you are still really careful with people you let this far in your life. Just one choice left. 

Sighing you mumbled ‘fuck’ to yourself before not even believing the next words that came out of your mouth.

“Come on..you can stay at my place until tomorrow“

‘Don’t get involved‘ you remembered saying it to yourself earlier. Like that was working really well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback appreciated!
> 
> xo Sophie


	4. Breaking point

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You get closer, James suddenly disappears and you found out about his secret...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 3 already...It’s getting away from my original idea but I really like this version haha

“So uhm-I just have the couch for you but I swear it’s comfortable enough to sleep on it” you chuckled and let both of you inside your little home. Hopefully he proved himself right and is as trustworthy as he seemed to be if not you can at least try to defend yourself. The past weeks you decided to start training your powers a bit even if you would have to do that alone. They were definitely better then last time but still not good enough. 

“Totally fine with me. Thank you” he said, standing in the middle of the room while you moved to your closet to give him a few extra blankets and pillows. 

“Thanks” he mumbled and laid them on the couch. Without him looking you decided to hide a few of your guns and knives away, hoping that he wouldn’t find the other ones. 

“Are you hungry?” you asked him, undressing yourself from your shoes and jacket. 

“You don’t have to cook me something” he insisted but it wasn’t like that you felt like starving at this point do it didn’t matter anyway if it was for him or not.

“First of all I am hungry too and I trying to be nice” you laughed it off and just started to cook self made lasagna. 

James started helping you shortly after. The first minutes with him were pretty weird but as soon as you found something to talk about was it easier. Talking and laughing with someone while cooking together felt somehow normal again like you forgot how it was to have a friend or a nice neighbour.

“Is that yours?” he asked and you looked from behind the fridge door confused at James. He pointed to the door and you remembered the ultrasound picture that you hung up there. 

“Oh..Yeah it is” you smiled a bit feeling the release of finally having it told someone even if other part of you just screamed to kick him out again and to stay distant. You couldn’t lie to him anyway, your name was standing on it.

“That’s great!-” James said and realised how unsurprised that sounded. “-Congratulations!” he added, walking up to you without hesitation and hugged you.

A nervous and emotional laugh escaping your lips as he held you deep within his strong arms. Slowly he released you again. One second you just stared into each other eyes before you remembered the food you wanted to make and got back to it. 

* * *

 

“Will you move again?” he asked suddenly as you already ate together in front of the tv with a random reality show on it.

“No..I don’t know..Why?” you replied hoping that you really wouldn’t have to move again. 

“No offense but it doesn’t look really...homey here..y’know for a baby or for you” he said looking around your small grey and lifeless apartment. In some way he was right but neither did you really think about it or wanted to imagine yourself having to.

“Well I just moved in but you’re right, I should try to start make this more..homey” you said snickering and poking lazily in your food around not really feeling hungry anymore. You had no idea to where even start and besides that you’ve had no idea what is supposed to be in a nursery or what this baby even needs.

“What about the father?” James asked. Looking back up, you met his eyes and quickly took his empty plate, standing up to bring them into the kitchen.

“(Y/N)” you heard him say.

“I’m tired. I’ll go sleep now. You need something else, you’ll find me in here.” you said walking into your bedroom and closing the door. You wanted to talk to him but also didn’t, at least not about this and not about Luke. All you’ve done was to push that subject away. 

Later the same night you laid in your bed with your eyes wide open, not being able to fall asleep any time soon. Rolling around the bed without any hope to find the right position to sleep in you decided to switch the lights back on and read a book. That helped you often to fall asleep in no time. Maybe it’s the fact that someone is sleeping on your couch or the fact that you thought about Luke again. 

A knock let you flinch up before you told yourself once again that the villains won’t knock on your damn door. James poked his head into the doorway. He looked tired with messy hair that was lazily put up in a bun but also as he just slept as much as you did in this night. 

“Hey..Uhm I wanted to apologize for earlier” he seemed to be honest, without further thoughts you’ve decided to not let him standing there in the doorway like this anymore, patting the empty space space besides you. Slowly and with hesitation he moved from the door to the other side on the bed and sat down on the very edge of the mattress. With hiding smirk you looked to him and put your book on your nightstand and looked back to him.

“It’s ok..I just feel like I can’t talk about it...-That looks uncomfortable” you said and tried to change the subject or at least lighten up the mood with the last part. He moved a few inches closer but still far away from you. For one side you thought it was nice from him and on the other side you’ve thought that maybe you want him to move closer or just let your feelings out that you held in for the past months. 

“Just know that you don’t have to but you can..if you feel like it” he said with honesty and turned to you waiting for you to open up towards him. 

He choose to take the Plan B and get closer to you which he still tried to do even if it meant to stay that close to you and let you hopefully open up towards him. Everything for the mission right?

“Ok Thanks well I guess if I can talk to you then now that you can talk to me too.” you smiled back at him. Until now James was just as open towards you as you were towards him. Which was almost nothing. 

“Are you just as hungry as I am because I feel like I am starving” you stood up and and put on your jacket and shoes, not bothering to change out of your sweatpants. 

“You want to go out right now? It’s like two in the morning” he reminded you looking to the clock before he just dressed himself as well as you shrugged at him. Together you got out already greeted by a cold breeze from the night. Not much people are still outside but luckily most of the shops are open.  

“So what are you hungry for?” James asked as you walked along the streets looking for what you’re up to. 

  


 

“I don’t really wanna push the fault on the pregnancy but I am really hungry for a chocolate cake but also something with bacon...Oh look let’s get in this Diner” you pointed to the small diner talk looked beautifully old fashioned, you’ve never been to this part of Washington but you already knew that you would like this diner. Somehow you had a thing for old fashioned things.

“James?” was the last thing he heard before he snapped out of everything as he looked to the diner. 

He had no idea what was happening but it was like a switch was turning inside of him. His mind turned around like he was in a dream. A small young blonde boy was sitting across from him, he was talking but somehow James couldn’t hear a word that he was saying. They sat in a diner looking just like the one he was standing in front of with (Y/N). Looking down he saw his hands, both hands. No metal arm and he didn’t felt his long hair brushing over his shoulders. Closing his eyes for a second he shook his head lightly and as he opened his eyes again he was met with yours. Your warm hand on his shoulder and with your concerned look staring at him as you asked him again what is wrong.

“Sorry just spaced out a bit there..” James chuckled that died down pretty quickly. 

“-Let’s eat something” he added and walked with you to the entrance. 

“Good morning. What can I get for you sweethearts?” an elderly women asked you as you both still looked through the menu of the diner that was enlightened by the neon sign that was outside and some soft, slow music playing in the background that fitted to the late night. 

“I’ll get the lava cake and just lots of bacon” you handed back the card and looked smiling at her before back to James. 

“I just take a coffee thanks” he said simply and also gave her the menu back. Once again you’ve noticed the glove on his hands but decided not to bother him about it, same with what happened in front of the diner. All you wanted right now was food which came much quicker than you thought but the diner wasn’t full or anything so that makes sense.

“That’s SO good!” you said chewing on the cake mixed with the bacon which caused a delicious mix in your mouth thanks to your current state of pregnancy and hormonal state.

“You sure you don’t want anything. Maybe you wanna have something from me, as awful as that must look just try” you suggested him while still eating happily. 

“I guess I’ll pass. But thanks tho” he replied smiling. 

“Whatever you say..” you simply said and continued. For the next while you just sat in comfortable silence while you ate and he sipped on his coffee. The waitress came once in a while and asked if you needed something else or if anything was ok.

“So why did you move to washington James? Tell me something about you” you asked him and finished your last bite.

“Well I needed change and that’s about it” James said firmly to you and just shrugged.

“That’s about it? So mysterious” you smirked at him and drank your milkshake that you’ve ordered a few minutes ago.

For god knows how long you have sat there but you could already saw more and more people on the streets, the sun began to light up the sky in a rosy tone and you grew more and more tired but that didn’t change a fact that the both of you had fun talking and laughing with each other through the whole night. The kind of fun you both didn’t have in ages and probably also needed. Just to have or let someone in your life again and to come out of your shell. Sometimes you would see the waitress give you knowing looks which made you blush. As the hours passed you’ve already ordered breakfast, the coffee keeping you even longer up.

“Do you dance?” you asked as you heard the music changed to ‘La vie en rose’ came one. 

“To be honest I don’t know” he laughed and saw your disappointed look that dropped down to your plate as you poked around the plate. He was about to ask you to stand up and dance with him. The old James would probably have done that already but as he looked behind your head he saw a man staring a hole into him with a grim look. He knew him from Hydra and gulped harshly. He had no idea what they were up to but as he observed the diner further he saw more of them. Most of them probably already longer there. Why didn’t he notice them asked himself. 

“How about we go home and catch up on some sleep” he faked yawned and laid enough money down quickly before you could even reach for your purse. Going over to your table he helped you up and guided you towards the exit.The way home he changed back into a cold and defensive mode, looking around and checking everything twice he always had his hand on your back guiding you away from everything he saw as a threat. Back at home he closed all the curtains before flopping on the couch closer as meant to be besides you. You took on of the blankets and draped them lazily over the both of you. The coffee left your body quicker than you thought as you turned into a more comfortable position that was on your side facing James, which ended up the both of you just inches away from each other.

“That was really fun..thank you” you whispered to him, not even knowing he was still awake. 

His eyes were already closed and his breathing changed into a soft snoring just as he opened his eyes again he let them fall down to your lips, looking back and forth.

You and him must have been to tired to know that this wasn’t a good decision but also you were searching desperately for some closure and James needed that too, just to be loved again or feel something else then pain or suffering so you leaned in first. 

Your lips already touching in a soft manner as he was going further and started kissing you harder with each second. His hand sneaked to your waist and pulled you closer to him while you put your arms around his neck pulling him down with you so he was kinda laying on top of you. That continued with mostly lazy kissed that turned maybe even more sloppy but you enjoyed it. James did his best concentrating on this but then while your little makeout session what he really did. He did enjoyed that and when Hydra would know about this then he knew exactly what is going to happen. He knew he doesn’t deserve that and neither wasn’t supposed to get this warm feeling inside of him mixed with the pleasure of your soft lips against his and how your sweet moans mixed with his but the voices in his head started getting louder telling him the consequenses of his actions. James pulls away first and as he opened his eyes he saw you softly smiling at him. Even against his urge to kiss you again he was about to tense up. 

“Sorry I shouldn’t have done that“ he brought out looking away from you. 

“No..Oh god, that was my fault. I should be sorry. We should just go to sleep now..I - I’ll go“ you told cursing yourself under your breath before making your way to your bedroom in Embarrassment and closing the door behind you. Shaking away the feeling of him against your lips you’ve managed thankfully to fall asleep in no time probably due the exhaustion.

The sleep you really needed turned out to be more of a power nap of a few hours as you woke up again. Rubbing your eyes, you sat up to the edge of your bed, you remembered what even happened last night and how it came to it. You would like to jump out of the window right now and just disappear into thin air but either way you would have to go out of that door and face the embarrassing encounter with him.

With on final push you opened the door and got surprised with no one. He wasn’t on the couch, neither in the kitchen or in the bathroom and your apartment wasn’t that big. James just left which was way worse then having to face him and talk about it and he didn’t even left a note or something to let you know. 

“Great job (Y/N)“ you mumbled under your breath as you began with your usual routine of the day. A new week with a what seemed like a fantastic beginning. You ate breakfast on your way to George and Abigail and got already greeted with Hunter laying on the front porch and Abigail sitting outside knitting something. 

“Good Morning Abi” you greeted her, kissing her cheek and hugging her. 

“Morning my dear. Are you hungry?” she asked you with a worried glance. If you would say yes then she would probably start making you a whole menu, even tho that was supposed to be your job. 

“No thanks. Good morning to you too hunter, you wanna have a treat?“ you chuckled and made your way inside with Hunter right behind you, breathing heavily out of excitement.Greeting on your way in George who was as expected watching football on the tv, you gave hunter his favorite treat first and started doing your tasks that didn’t take really long but the time was flying by. Shortly after lunch you made tea and sat outside with the two of them. 

“Abigail didn’t you have a present for (Y/N)“ George reminded her as she sprung up and got inside. Surprised you looked to George wo just smiled at his wife who giggled that you could still hear. 

“George you don’t have to!“ you said honestly, not knowing in any way what they wanted to give to you. 

“Just take the present. It’s not much but she worked on it day and night“ he patted your shoulder and grinned. Abigail came shortly after through the backdoor again and joined you on the bench, giving you a nicely wrapped little box.

“Listen sweetie. It’s not much but let me tell you that we wish you the really best“ she said and you smiled brightly not believing that they did that. Carefully you unwrapped it, not wanting to destroy her hard work like that. 

Inside was a more paper and as you took it out you saw the little knitted sweater, shocked and mostly confused you looked at first but it brought to tears that even tho you didn’t tell them they made that for you.

“How did you know?“ you asked and heard your voice cracking slightly. 

“Wasn’t that hard to know after you ate the whole damn thing from what George called an apple pie besides that I am not blind“ she laughed at George who scoffed and rolled his eyes. He tried it often to bake a apple pie but always failed for some reason. 

“Very funny“ he said. 

“Thank you so much Abigail“ you said and held the tears back as good as you could.and hugged her tightly and afterwards also George. 

Even tho you never had parents you are sure that is what it feels like to have someone like them. So nice, kind and welcoming in a world like this. Never once you felt that loved from one of your former “families“ if you even could call them like that when they treated you like a bag of trash or a disease. 

The day turned out to be so much better than you thought. 

In the evening as you got safely home you haven’t heard from James at all which worried you a bit but maybe he didn’t wanted to see you after what happened. Which broke your heart a bit, you knew that you shouldn’t have let that happen. You felt like a slut, it’s hasn’t been long ago since Luke died you go to the next one. But you didn’t wanted to stress about it, it was a one time thing. A mistake and nothing more. James must see it the same way. 

The week passed and neither did you heard or seen anything from him...

You felt like you should step your game up and knock on his door, ask if he was ok and that you are sorry from what happened. Stepping up the stairs you stopped every few seconds, changing your mind over and over again. Soon you saw his apartment door and held your hand up and finally with a confidence boost you knocked on the door just as your knuckles met the wooden door she creaked open for a few inches. 

You gulped harshly and called his name out. You pushed the door open wider and remembered what that could mean but why Jams. The old reflexes came up again and you let you hand snap back to your belt realising that you haven’t wore a gun or a knife for a whole week which is normally a good sign but not now. Stepping into his apartment you were surprised and shocked how it looked. Was that even his? Is this the right number? you thought and stepped carefully and slow further into the room.

It was built like yours but the windows are covered in newspaper, one is even broken. The glass shattered all over the place. He didn’t have any furniture or anything. Just a old mattress laying in the middle of the room. You began to come up with things that could have happened here. Was that your fault? Is everyone dying around you?

The kitchen just as empty. 

“James?“ you called out a few times and made your way to his bedroom. Opening the door it was just as empty, no bed and neither a dresser or something else. You were about to turn around and leave as you saw the other wall covered in papers and pictures, stepping further to it you looked at everything that hung up there. With widening and shocked eyes you held a hand over your mouth to stifle a gasp. 

Every little picture was from you and some of these things were months ago. Some of them from you and Luke. Messy notes sticked to each picture with the location and date of it. It looked like it was from a cop but you are pretty sure who it could be. 

_Hydra._

Angered you took the trash can and ripped everything from the wall, frustrated tears left your eyes as you realised all of that bullshit he was telling you. How everything was a lie and you felt trapped again. Like you had to start again. Thanks to James...when this was even his real name. 

You took the trash can with you and everything that looked like it was about you, Luke or even George or Abigail. 

Going back down to your apartment you let the door fall shut with a loud thump. Letting your hands resting on the door as you calmed down again wich didn’t helped much now that you had to move again. Away from Abigail and George which hurted the most. 

A storm was going wild outside. Thunder rumbled through the air and you heard the rain splashing against your windows. The electricity wasn’t working but that happened before so you aren’t surprised about that. You were on your couch and began to look at the pictures, notes that were mostly in what looked like russian. A hot chocolate was in your hands warming your hands as your heard the fire escape creaking loudly. 

At first you didn’t thought much about it but then again just louder. 

You stepped up from the couch and got a closer look to it. The didn’t just sounded like it was caused from the wind. 

Slowly you opened the window and stuck your head out. It was dark and the rain started to drain you and your living room. You didn’t saw much in the dark but then the sound came again. Much different to before it was more like a thumping and clinking of the metal. Looking up from where it was coming from you saw something or more like someone just falling down the stairs until it was in your level. You let out a scream and jumped back into your room on the floor from the shock. Thunder stuck loudly again as you stood up again, moving to the window again. The what looked like a man didn’t move a muscle. Just to check what in the hell is even going on you made your way out of the window, onto the fire escape. Almost instantly you’re drenched to the bones as you crunched down to roll the body around, he had brown hair and was really heavy. His brown hair sticked to his face and as you moved it away you flinched away from the familiar features. 

“Jesus Christ...James?“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback appreciated!!
> 
> xo Sophie


	5. Accepting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Missed last days but got some ideas (finallys) Sorry for delay ;(

****

***James P.O.V.***

He woke up or well rather just stood up because he didn’t sleep through the night, and wanted to leave your apartment before someone would find out what he did.

_I don’t deserve the love_

_I don’t deserve anything like this_

_If you get close to people all you will get is pain._

That’s what they told them and forcefully made him understand over the last past century. He took one last look in your bedroom to see if you’re safe or just to see you one last time, he wasn’t sure. On a permanent basis he felt like there are two voices in his head. Voices that didn’t stop talking.

Against the urge to stay he left and made his way upstairs, angered with himself he opened his door, stepping inside the lifeless room. He was mostly confused and the next thing he knew was getting punched in the face and beaten to the ground. Normally he obviously could defend himself but he wasn’t there not mentally. James was held down by three people and got an injection stuck in his neck blacking out immediately.

Woken up with another injection of adrenaline, he was strapped to the chair as the maschine got already placed on his head. The electricity running through his veins and making its way through his head to create an immense kind of pain that a normal person wouldn’t survive. 

The switch turned and he followed numb the orders they gave him until he got in a fight with Captain America and everything up to this second was complicated enough but as he lost his mask in the fight and the blonde man suddenly spoke up. The switch turned again.

“Bucky” he said to him.

“Who the hell is Bucky?” he replied and everything just went downhill from there.

A car exploded, his metal arm was not functioning and Hydra took him with them again in some kind of underground bunker while doctors were fixing his arms. Flashback came back to him. Pictures and short memories that he couldn’t really put together. The man on the bridge. He knew him but James didn’t know how. The blonde man that was coming up multiple times before that even when he looked different to the small young boy he often saw. Then he saw you again. Sleeping before he left or when you laughed in the diner. Things he almost forgot again.

Director Pierce came through the doors, he noticed him but the mixed up picture in front of eyes left him confused and emotional. things he didn’t felt before, not in a long time.

Bucky just stares numb to a wall, guns high up to his head.

“Mission report” Pierce said to him with no response.

“Mission report. Now!” he said again and looked him over and as Bucky not answered again he raised his hand and slapped him across his face. Bucky turned his head back to him and spoke up.

“That men on the bridge. Who was he?” he asked Pierce woh sat down in front of him. He needed answers. The blonde men must have knew way before all of this. He can’t let that go now.

“You met him earlier this week on another assignment” Pierce told him. James couldn’t remember this encounter or did he? He wasn’t sure.

“I knew him” he told Pierce with a puzzled look.

“Your work has been a gift to mankind. You shaped this country and I need you to do this one more time-” Pierce told him. That’s was one thing he remembers. These words he get told every time. Just one more time. All just lies.

“-Society’s at a tipping point between order and chaos and tomorrow morning we’re gonna give it a push. But if you don’t do your job, I can’t do mine and Hydra can’t give the world the freedom it’s deserves”

James didn’t feel like a gift to the world. What he did wasn’t anything like this. He felt like a traitor and he can’t go on like this if someone like the blonde man or (Y/N) were out there who know him just as James and not as the monster hydra had created with him as a shell.

“But I knew him” he brought out with shaking voice.

“I heard about your mission. What was her name again?” Pierce asked the men behind him who all just stood there and watched the scene.

“(Y/N), sir” Rumlow answered and gave him an envelope. James watched with fear as Pierce opened it took out several pictures.

“Right…(Y/n). What a nice girl right? Seemed like you had fun” he said with an disappointed sigh, letting the pictures fall in front of him, taken from the diner and then again were you kissed. A few again just from you, doing daily things, one or two even pretty intimidate. His breathing picked up, shaking full of fear and guilt.

“Prep him” Pierce said as he watched James stare at the pictures, not daring to say a word.

“but he is out of cryo freeze for to long” one of the doctors told Pierce who sighed again and looked back to James.

“Then wipe him and start over” he told them and they started the procedure, cuffing him to the chair and letting the machine start and doing the rest.

“What about the girl sir?” Rumlow asked him waiting for orders.

“We’ll take care of her later” he told him and they nodded, following him out of the room.

Most of the part felt like ripping the personality, the human part out of him in a forceful and painful way. James started screaming and felt like blacking out before he switched back to the Winter soldier.

***Your P.O.V ***

“Jesus Christ James!” you cursed him as you tried your best to drag him with you through your window almost slipping on the wet metal of the fire escape in process.

You had simple rules during your pregnancy: No heavy lifting and no stress were two of them. 

As you squeezed yourself through the window with James upper body in your arms you practically fell through it, with him on top of you.

“Fuck” you breathed out and let him roll onto the floor. As you looked down you saw your wet shirt red realizing he must been still bleeding.

Standing up you took all the power you had and managed to lift his heavy body up to the couch. First thing was checking his pulse. Letting your hand ran through his hair to wipe it all back so you could see his white face, your fingers going to his neck. Luckily you found the slow pulse.

He was dressed in some kind of armor that you had to detach from him, every gun and knife put you in a good distance in case he would wake up. 

First you took of his gloves, finally you thought and as you took of the left one you saw that he had some kind of metal hand and as you later noticed his whole arm was out of it with a red star you saw too often. 

Under it was just a black tank top that was just as drenched with both blood and rain deciding to just rip it apart showing his impressing muscular body. You are definitely not a nurse but maybe all of the show you’ve watched are helpful plus one or two health classes could maybe help even tho they didn’t teach you how to treat a shot wound. James was covered in blood for a second you had to think before you sprinted to the bathroom and took a few towels and your medical kit that already laid there as you moved in with you and sat down in front of the couch, opening the kit and looking for a needle and a thread. Wiping all the blood away you wanted to start but thought about the actual bullet. 

Turning him around you saw no exit hole so it was still inside of him. 

“What do I do now?” you said yourself and felt desperate and helpless. You even thought why you were helping him at all but after all you maybe needed a reason why he did that and what Hydra wants from you. If anyone must had answers then it must be James.

From your knowing you took out of your kit a longer clamp and with shaky hand you tried to pull yourself together before you started.

“Sorry but also not sorry James” you said and digged with the clamp inside the bullet hole. Excepting him to scream or wake up but all he did was grumble a bit. 

“Really that’s it?” you thought somehow disappointed . Digging for a while you finally pulled one out, it has to be just one you at least hoped and started to stitch it.  The wound on his leg had to be stitched too but that wasn’t as hard as the first one. Exhausted, full of blood and still wet you sat in front of the couch and just looked at him and to his impressing metal arm.

“Why..” you whispered to him and stood up to lay a blanket over him. 

Why did you feel sorry for him and why did you feel even anything for him you thought and out of nowhere the was kicked in, and three dark dressed men came him. Not fast enough to catch on they punched you on the face, letting you fall to the ground. Groaning you turned over and let with your hands build a wall of ice to press the one standing above you crash into the wall screaming out. As the others started shooting your let just water splash up to let them fall to the ground. One of them reached for James but you wouldn’t let that happen. Not again. Standing up again you practically jumped over the couch to take the men with you while the other one took a fistful of your hair to rip you away from the other one. 

“AHH you asshole!” you screamed out in pain and took his gun from the ground besides you, shooting up you hit through his jaw. One finally dead. Without waiting any longer you turned to the other one who was still one the ground you pointed it straight to his head and pulled the trigger.

“You fucking bitch” the other one that was still stuck between the wall and a wall of ice said grumbling and as you stood up you raised your hand and let the wall press him further into the wall. He screamed out in pain loudly and with a twist of your hand a spike of ice shot up into his neck letting him bleed out. This was it you thought. What monster did you become you thought and felt it come rushing over you. But you had to go on now before more would probably come. 

Quickly moving into your bedroom you packed your back with what you needed. The picture from Luke and his Jacket, Abigails present for your baby, money, guns, knives, clothes and all of the notes that you recently found. As you got into the bathroom to get your toothbrush you saw a glance from yourself in the mirror. A cut just above your eyebrow letting blood roll over the side of your face that was covered in a big swollen bruise. Wiping away the blood and a few escaping tears you packed your bag and where on your way out but remembered James still unconscious on the couch. 

Pinching the bridge of your nose you turned around and couldn’t find yourself just walking away without him so you took his arms and dragged him in the blanket out of your apartment into the luckily repaired elevator. No way you would get him down the stairs like this. In the elevator you pressed the last button that brought you to the garage, pulling up your fresh hoodie and a pair of sunglasses in case there were cameras or just people at all. Nobody had to see you beaten up like this. 

Hopefully nobody stole your car…well you stole it too but you didn’t wanted to steal another one. 

No soul was down there so you took your time with James as you pulled him all the way to the car and letting him fall into the back seat, covering him with the blanket you took with you.  

Sitting in the driver’s seat you sat back to think about it, where to and what to do with him first of all. Maybe out of the country you thought? Just as far away as possible. Maybe that would work.

Starting your car you started your way just first of all out of the city. One stop you had to do before you would leave. You couldn’t just leave Abigail and George without telling them that you would leave. Pulling up there street you felt the tears spilling over, sobbing quietly you stopped the car in front of their house and with one last look to James you got out and closed the car again, moving to the front door you saw Hunter sleeping. Getting down to his level you patted him and cried silently, you didn’t wanted to leave neither did you wanted or planned to kill anyone. This was getting to much and it wasn’t safe for both of you and your baby.

Hunter didn’t even stand up, he seemed to get tired with every day which made your pain grew even more. Knocking on the door you hear George just yell “Coming!” before he opened the door after one or two minutes. He looked up and his smile faded as he saw your face.   
“(Y/N)? What is wrong? Who did this to you?” he asked concerned and pulled you inside. You had to make this quick you thought.

“- Abigail!!” he shouted through the whole house as she just came through the door.

“Stop yelling!” she shouted back.

“Hello darling..- Wait..what happened” she stopped in front of you to take a look at your face.

“It’s nothing listen..I have to leave the city for a while. I can’t say more but-” you tried to explain to them before Abigail cut you off.

“My god.. was this the father of the baby? You can stay here and we’ll-” she started but you shook your head, interrupting her again.

“No, no no! That’s another story. Listen I just have to leave now. I promise I am fine and I’ll call you every once in a while. I’ll come back but I really..need to go now” you stumbled over your voice and told them, sadness spread over their faces.

“…ok. Be careful out there” George said hugging you and turned around to move to the side, he was never someone who showed much emotions which you understood and turned to Abigail who was tearing up now too.

“Please don’t cry Abi” you rubbed her back and let go again.

“Take this…and you better come back (Y/N)!!” sh told you and gave you her necklace she got from George to their wedding day. It was a golden vintage necklace with a simple little star and a red smaragd inside of it. How ironic you though for a moment but you appreciated her offer and put it on.

“-So you don’t forget us” she chuckled through her tears and squeezed your hands another times before letting go.

“I promise!” you assured her again and they followed you outside, both hugging you again. One last time you forced up a smile and waved before driving off to god knows where.  

[Originally posted by causeimawarrior](https://tmblr.co/ZzxdNq2IFlAsy)

Once on the highway you turned the radio on to silence your thoughts a bit. The music actually helped and every few minutes you looked into the mirror if James was moving or give any sign of waking up but he didn’t, it could rather mean that he just needs more time or he is dying right now. The next sign showed a motel which you decided to pull in to and book a room for a day or so just that James and you would get a night of peace, at least you hoped that.

“Hey I would like to have one room for one night” you asked nicely the the manager at the front desk.

“Of course. I’ve got one right for ya’ upstairs number-” he explained with a thick accent but you interrupted him

“Please no stairs. Do you have one downstairs?” you pleaded hoping he just wouldn’t ask.

“Yes of course. The last one right at the end. Have a good night” he said and exchanged your money with the key.

“Thanks” you mumbled and walked out. You stepped into the car again and parked the car almost right in front of the door hoping nobody would see how you would drag in the unconscious body of a men. Going to the back of the trunk you brought your bags in first and looked around the small parking place if anyone was looking before you opened the backdoor.

“James?” you whispered and patted his knee. No response. Sighing deeply you pulled on his legs until you could reach for his arms to sit him up, falling over and backwards a few times you managed to somehow pull him in your arms in the ridiculous try of keeping him this way he fell forward and obviously you couldn’t catch his whole body. Gasping loudly in response you snapped a hand in front of your mouth to stifle it a bit, looking around again you saw no one in sight, thankfully.

Pulling up his legs again you dragged him in fast speed over the sand and into your room, dropping him there on the floor again and shutting your door, locking the lock and closing the curtains before once again you pulled him onto the bed which was sadly a small and only bed.

Checking also his pulse again and changed the bandages on his wounds before taking a wet washcloth and cleaned his face that was covered in dirt and dried blood. Thinking about something you could try out with your powers you pulled his shirt up and removed the bandage again. Concentrated you moved the water from the washcloth into a ball and let it flow over his wound. With no idea how this even works you just tried to think hard enough about it. 

Opening your eyes you let the water go that slided down his chest and underneath your finger you saw that the wound actually healed a bit.   
Smiling to yourself you felt like you could just jump into the air. Proud of yourself you looked back down to him and covered his chest with a long sleeved shirt again. As your hands moved the other sleeve down his arms, he grabbed your hands suddenly. Letting you almost scream out.

“Holy crap!…James?” you let your hand snap back and whispered to him seeing how is eyes fluttered opened for moment.

“(Y/N)..” he coughed out and as fast as he just woke up you saw how his eyes rolled into the back of his head again.

“Hey! Stay awake!” you said shaking him but there was no use anymore, he was out like a light.

The unconscious man in front of you let you stay awake the whole night. Neither you could sleep besides him or let him out of your eyesight. He kept laying there like a stone for the past hours, not moving or making any sound at all. Sometimes you would just check his pulse to be sure he was still alive. Feeling how your eyelids started to feel heavier and you leaned onto your arm to lay somehow comfortable in the chair you pulled up besides the bed he laid in and just out of safety you handcuffed him to the headboard of the bed. 

Your body gave the urge of sleeping finally even tho not really willingly with you in. Falling asleep with the last picture of James still laying peacefully on the bed.

Between being unconscious he had small time frames where he was somehow aware of things or rather just things he could hear, not been fully sure of that really happened. Just

small pieces where he came back and saw his surroundings, mostly inside the car seeing you driving in the front seat and softly humming to a song on the radio, how you disappeared for a few times or just how you treated him sometimes in a nice and caring way where he felt the needle piercing to his skin and you quietly apologized and then again how he just felt the hard ground underneath him.

Maybe you weren’t even real he thought and his mind just made this up. Even tho he remembered how he was drenched to the bones, soaked in water and blood stumbling through the city and just fainting as he was on top of the fire escape and how he let himself fell down to the level of your apartment with no energy left in himself to the point he thought that he would bleed out.

  
The need of getting away from Hydra was becoming to much as Steve seemed to find this switch from the winter soldier and his own personality with a few simple lines and to see this somehow familiar face just broke something inside him but probably in a good way. He began to realise what he had done and that was one of the reason why he had saved him from the river and decided to walk off either way. Next to that he rediscovered himself and the extreme feeling of grief and guilt he really wanted to go back to you and this is how his body just moved as fast as he could, besides even knowing what he really wanted, to you.

Your alarm let you flinch up and feel the pain in your body that the chair was creating over the night, everything was aching and hurting really bad. Groaning you stood up and stretched your arms hearing them crack. Looking back down to James who seemed to not have to move a single inch.

For one crazy moment you thought about these crazy methods in movies or series where they try to wake people with like a bucket of cold water or just a nice not too hard slap in the face, could be fun too.

There was not really a bucket in the room you stayed in so had two cups of cold water because neither was there ice or something else. Today was the last day of staying in this crappy motel and you weren’t in the mood to drag his heavy ass in the car again.

Without further thought you splashed the cup of water into his face, he let out an unexpected groan and puckered his brows.

“Hey you ok?” you asked careful not sure if he was fully back yet or still asleep.

“Is this how you always wake people up?” James groaned with closed eyes. His eyes snapped open as he tried to move his hands that you tied to the bed frame.

“I think you understand why I did that” you told him firmly staring at him.

“Yeah ‘bout that..” he mumbled avoiding your glance.

“Just tell me why?” you said quietly and tired your best to keep your voice steady and calm.

“What exactly do you mean?” James asked and you looked at him confused but had to chuckle at how ridiculous that is from him, you emptied the other cup now too in a fast hand motion in his face.

“What I mean is that I need answers to why you are following us and for how long?…and most importantly why you kissed me? Is James even your real name and what the fuck wants Hydra from me and what did they want from Luke” you told him angrily sitting down in front of him as you stared down to him.

“Okey…My name is really James..-I believe it is. Hydra kept me captured for god knows how long. The call me the winter soldier and they want your baby..not you. I followed you since Luke died”

Silence took over as he spoke his last words to you.

“and why did you kiss me then?” you said hearing your voice cracking in the process.

“Wasn’t planned…Now I have a question. Why did you save me?-took care care of me?” James asked looking at you as you were now the one who avoided his eye contact.

“I had questions..-and now your free” you said wiping the tears away that escaped and released him from the bed.

“That’s it? Where are you going..let me come with you (Y/N)..” he sat up wincing from the pain in his abdomen. You already starting to pack your stuff.

“No..Why should I let you come with me? You are with Hydra..” you snapped back shoving your stuff just frustrated together.

“Hydra is now after the both of us. I was just their puppet for years and I..-I wasn’t supposed to feel..” he stuttered and followed you around the room but stopped with the last sentence before continuing”-all of that wasn’t supposed to happen between us. Please (Y/N) if they get me they’ll…let me keep you safe…both of you!” James said letting you dead in your tracks thinking about it. Groaning you turned around to him seeing him tearing up and shaking.

Your thoughts running wild before you heard yourself just mutter

”Get in the car…if you try anything I’ll kill you and..no more secrets! You got it?” you said holding your finger up and shoving your bag into his chest.

“Yes ma’am” he simply said.

“Don’t call me that” you turned around to hide the grin from him and just thought about what would happen now. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback appreciated :)
> 
> xoxo Sophie


	6. On the road

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You finally see who he really is and was as you visit a place James wanted to go before leaving the states finally and facing new problems…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Missed last days because my motivation is gone and work and life is keeping me in a constent state of half asleep which means I am in bed by 8 pm and don’t get to write because I only got time at night..life is great ^^

[Originally posted by cinemagraphs](https://tmblr.co/Zo5ugx2MwaSce)

Settling into the car after you gave the keys back you just started driving without having really a plan where to. You thought maybe maybe the airport to get out of the states which you never really done before but maybe that’s what you needed, to just get out of the states which you never really done before but maybe that was it to get away from all the bullshit that’s keep happening.

“Where are we going?” James asked from besides you.

Oh yeah how could you forget your companion even tho you still weren’t so sure about all of this but at some point you would need help, without question when it’s going on like this.

“I thought maybe the airport?” you questioned to him.

“That’s to much of a risk..Do we even have enough money for that?..-and where to exactly?” he listed some arguments and obviously you didn’t know either, not like you could really plan this.

“What’s your idea then? please enlighten me” you scoffed back and his silence was a great answer, just what you expected. That was your only plan at least for now.

“See…so let’s go to the airport” you said driving already into the direction before James moments later spoke up again.

“We have to make a small stop before we go there..” James stated but you tried to concentrate on the road before looking confused to him for a moment.

“Where to and is it that important?” you said not really believing in one place he could want to go right now and that couldn’t wait.

“The smithsonian” he mumbled to you. 

“You wanna go see the smithsonian as in the museum?” you asked thinking that is a joke or something.

“Yes it’s important..please” you didn’t thought about it any longer as you took a new rode, he seemed to be in his own little world now so you let it go. The gps led you thankfully the way but you turned into the parking lot of a mall first because you needed a few things too. Taking your bag you turned to him and with now his confused look you just thought one thing.

“We need to communicate more y’know…” you told him smirking before your continued your way to one of the shops. “-We both need some clothes. You don’t have any clothes at all and I start to not fit into mine anymore” you said a bit embarrassed. James just shot you an understanding glance before you picked a few things out for you, he was following you like a lost puppy.

“Do you need help? Because this is the wrong section for you” you laughed looking through a bunch of clothes. He didn’t see him but you heard him grunting and walking away. You couldn’t help yourself but really wondered what is going on inside his head sometimes, from your point you saw him standing in the men section looking confused at all the clothes and sometimes even looking at what others picked. When he looked at you again you quickly looked away and began to try the clothes on. These maternity clothes were so comfortable you literally brought almost everything you picked out, telling yourself that you would need it anyway as you thought about not spending so much on this. Looking around the shop you spotted James still clued on the spot. Sighing you worked your way through the men’s sections grabbing a few things you thought he could fit into. Walking up to him you just handed him the variety of clothes before taking him with you to the dressing room.

“Go try this on and I’ll be here if you need me” you assured him and closed door, sitting down onto onto one of the chairs. Maybe an whole hour later he came finally out and showed you literally two shirts he liked and black jeans. At the end you also brought a cap and some sunglasses for the both of you, remembering that out of movies to somehow fit into a crowd.

“We look ridiculous..” you heard him say for the for the hundreds time as you got downstairs with the elevator. Well you didn’t complain as you paid for all of that and besides that you thought that you looked both fine as hell and it’s not like you would have to walk around like this all the time.

“So what are we looking for here exactly?” you asked and just ignored his complaints from before.

“This..” he sighed as the door opened and revealed a huge exbihilit of Captain America, World War two and the howling commandos. Following james through the crowd you finally understood why he wanted to come here. It made sense now as you heard the speakers in the background telling the story of Steven Grant Rogers and his childhood best friend James Buchanan ‘Bucky’ Barnes on becoming Captain America. You almost ran into his back as he suddenly stopped in front of the information board that was filled with the informations of James…at least you thought it was him even tho there stood that he was birn 1917 and died 1944. But a lot was possible so you didn’t question it besides that it was still weird.  Of course you also heard about Captain America, it was a subject in school but not like you really cared about school back then or could remember anything. Looking to him for a second you weren’t sure what to do or say, nothing really seemed right. He just looked tense and shocked. “James” you said and touched his shoulder lightly but as you did so he snapped back and a quick walk to the exit.

“Wait!” you called after him trying to keep up with him without causing attention and knocking people over. With a blink of the eye he was up the stairs and out of your sight again. Sighing you stopped midway and took your time deciding that he would maybe need his time.

Out of the museum again you took a few magazine with you hoping to read more about his story. As you got closer to your car you saw James..or Bucky, you didn’t even know what he would rather now leaning against the side of the car with his mind probably somewhere else not noticing you opening the car or holding his door open as he didn’t get in himself. If he didn’t wanted to talk about it then you were just fine with it but before you would drive to the airport or anywhere else you needed to know something.

“Listen..it’s okay if you don’t wanna talk about it but before we go anywhere else  I need to know if you want to stay here..I..I would understand it” you said honestly to him hoping that he would say something.

“No” he grumbled while staring out of the window, not bothering to look at you.

“Maybe you should stay here..find him, talk to him? I’ll be fine” you assured him even tho you knew that at some point you probably you wouldn’t be fine and that you couldn’t do it alone but maybe that was just you thinking to much. James just had to make his own decision now before he would realise that going away was a mistake, that most importantly helping you was a mistake.

“I said no….I won’t leave you alone. I am not good for him and probably you either” he insisted and mumbled the rest of it. “-that’s final” he added and thats how you just started to drive to the next airport without any more words spoken between the two of you. At the airport you just took the next last minute flight which took of to almost near Paris. As you got through the security without luckily any more problems and checked in and as soon as you sat down your sleepiness took over and you fell asleep for the next few hours till the plane landed already. You felt like you could die at any moment of starvation as you got out of the airport again.

“I would like to get some food first before we do anything else. Are you hungry too?” you asked breaking the slightly uncomfortable silence between the two of you.

“Yeah uhm..I’ll go look for a bathroom for a second” he replied and took of in another direction. Now without him besides you all the time you felt lost but not that you would admit that. Never once you really got out of the states and not in your wildest dreams you thought you ever will. In a small bakery down the street you bought croissants and sandwiches enough for the both of you…well for the three of you. As you got back to the spot where James left you waited probably half an hour and got worried sick, nobody would take this long to look for an toilet. You couldn’t call him because he doesn’t have a phone so you started to walk where went the last time you saw him. Pulling out your phone you dialed Abi’s number to let them know how you are, it isn’t that long ago that you saw him but you missed them anyway.

Sadly nobody picked up so you decided to at least leave them a message.

“Hey Abigail…it’s (Y/N). Just wanted to let you know I am in paris now. I -We are both fine and…I’ll just call.you back later” you struggled to find the right words and ended the message telling yourself to talk later with them. Tucking the phone back in your bag you finally saw the familiar grumpy face walking out of a store.

“There you are..I was looking for you” you told him feeling relieved. “Sorry I needed an notebook” he said holding the plastic bag up he had in his hands.

While you ate the sandwiches you wandered around the city for a long while before yoi found an affordable and still free hotel. Eventually you found a fine one with beds for the both of you. It wasn’t even night yet but the jetlag seemed to in so you decided to lay down already with closed curtains. You felt how tired you are but your didn’t let you close your eyes. Now that you actually found a second for yourself you googled a whole hour about pregnancy and everything you need to know. You should be already this far that you felt the baby moving or kicking but there was nothing. Obviously you are still pretty early bit this was also not a normal pregnancy and you had to overthink everything again. This time lf a pregnancy has high chances of  miscarriages. There was just this weird feeling you had that didn’t you fall asleep.

“Why aren’t you sleeping…you look you need it” James asked besides you in bis bed still writing in the notebook he brought.

“Thanks…I could ask you the same” you scoffed and kept staring at the ceiling.

“No..I didn’t mean it like this…just wanted to ask what’s wrong” James looked to your side and laid the notebook onto his bed, giving you now his full attention. Rolling onto you side you took your time answering because you weren’t sure if that sounded stupid to him or if it interested him in any way. “I am scared..it’s not moving or doing anything at all. Maybe I am just overthinking this but if I lost it then..I don’t know” you rambled and felt your your voice crack slightly, stopping yourself before you would start crying.

He didn’t seem to understand at first what you are talking about about but he didn’t answer you started talking again before he even got the chance to.

“I am stupid. Just forget what I said” you pulled the covers up and turned around again feeling embarrassed somehow.

“No it’s fine. That’s not stupid…If you want to we could go see if we can find a doctor here..just to make sure y’know” James suggested letting you face him again.

“Ok…good idea.” you said, reminding in silence before you found the courage to ask him one of many questions you had.

“If you don’t mind me asking but…Why didn’t you wanna see Steven. You had the chance to” you mumbled.

“I said I wouldn’t leave you” James replied, his jaw was clenched and he didn’t seem to like talking about it.

“I can’t be the only reason. I am not that important to you and we both know it” You challenged him a bit. Eventually it would help talking about it.

“You know the day you found me on the fire escape?” he sighed out and you sat up again nodding at him.

“Well that day he found me and we fought til…I..Till I shot him and the helicarrier crashed” James told you the truth and you remembered seeing it all over the new but it was being said that it was a dysfunction which you thought was total bullshit. Why should he lie about it anyway.

“-he wouldn’t want to see me and I would make his life much worse” he continued and you heard his voice getting quieter and filled with guilt.

“Think from his perspective. Steven was trapped in ice for a decades thinking that you were already dead only to see you again. He must feel relieved and maybe shocked but I would be happy too even after all this time” you said knowing exactly that if you would get a chance to see Luke again then you totally would trade anything for just seeing him again or talking with him again to tell him how sorry you are and tell him about his baby but you saw him die in your arms, there was no coming back.

“Right but I just can’t remember him. Why should I..I can’t even trust myself or remember anything or…me” he snapped at you frustrating clenching his eyes shut like he is in pain.You gave him a moment to calm down and to change the subject to something else.

“What about your notebook.?”

James only shrugged his shoulders a bit.

“How about you start writing everything down you can remember or just things you don’t wanna forget again..usual things, whatever you want.” you told him the idea hoping that would maybe help him. Neither of you seemed to go to sleep now anymore even tho you could tell that you needed the rest. It was also still day so you could go out again maybe go to look after an doctor like James suggested.

“What are you doing?” he asked seeing you dressing again.

“I will go see a doctor..maybe then I can sleep” you replied to him slipping into your boots and jacket. He threw the covers off of him and dressed himself now too.

“Uhm you don’t have to come with me. I won’t be gone for to long” He really didn’t have to come and you weren’t even sure if he really wanted to come.

“Ok good” he simply said going past you out of the door. You smiled and rolled your eyes before following him outside.

A few streets away from your motel you found a doctor which also didn’t seem to full with others.

“Hello uhm I need an appointment if it possible?” you asked the man at the front desk. The language was once again a problem since you can’t speak france, it was already hard enough before that to buy food or book a room.

“Je suis désolé je ne peux pas vous comprendre” You sighed and tried your best.

“I uhh..Well fuck. Come on we can go” You turned around to James not knowing how you were supposed to describe what you wanted there but he stepped forward instead of answering.

“Mon amie est enceinte et elle a besoin d'un bilan de santé” the words came without any problems out of his mouth and you watched dumbfounded what they said.

“Bon, vous pouvez vous asseoir, vous serez appelé dans quelques minutes”

He simply put his arm over your lower back and guided you to the waiting room. As you sat down you still looked at him completely surprised.

“So when I talked to the manager from our motel who couldn’t speak english you just watched me making a fool out of myself” you asked him and he just smirked looking through the magazine in his hands.

“Funny..really funny” you only replied and took a magazine for yourself which didn’t interest you at all, your anxiety let you sweat and increase your heartbeat which let you just feel like running away or wish that the ground would swallow you whole.

The nurse called you in just a moment later but you still sat glued to your seat.

“(Y/N)? You got called up” he informs you. With one last mental kick you got up and took the first steps towards the door but stopped midway turning back to James who seemed to stay where he is.

“Can you come with me inside?” you said clearing your throat.

“Sure” James stood up and followed behind you inside the room where you as last time sat on the chair while the doctor, an elderly man put the cold gel on your stomach. James helped with the translation and answered the questions the man asked.  

“Dis-lui que le bébé va très bien. Elle ne devrait pas trop s'inquiéter” he said and smiled giving you something to clean your stomach. He smiled which was good right? Looking over to James you finally got the assurance that you needed.

“Everything is ok…nothing wrong. Don’t worry so much” he chuckled and you smiled thankfully to both him and the nice doc who nicely printed out two different pictures for you. Once outside you felt like finally breathing again and you decided to walk back to the motel because you already felt your eyelids getting heavier and even James yawned every two minutes.

“How many languages can you even speak?” you asked interested since you walked a bit in a comfortable silence.

“More than I can count probably” he laughed it off.

“Y’know you don’t have to talk about it but how much can you remember at all…like from back then and all”

He really didn’t have to talk about it but you wanted to understand how he felt, somehow you couldn’t realise how that must have been and just everything about him.

“Just small pieces..not enough for I missed all these years…Can I ask you something?” he told you and looked around. You felt even more sorry for him which he probably didn’t need but that wasn’t really pity you felt for him, it was more anger for hydra that is slowly increasing your bubble of rage and the urge for revenge.

“I must sound stupid but I remember kissing you?” he asked and looked at you right when you felt the heat reaching your cheeks.   
Why didn’t he even remember and should you tell him the truth or was it better to keep that for yourself?

Again the feeling of running away came up but that was a bit difficult in a elevator.

“No we didn’t..Not that I can remember” you decided to lie or keep it for yourself at least for now. James only hummed in response and you got out first walking to your door while fishing the key card out of your messy handbag.

“Ugh wait I can’t f-” you wanted to say that you didn’t find the damn key but he pressed his hand over your mouth and dragged you to the side shushing you, it was just a moment but as he let go of you as he pointed to the door that stood open for a few inches.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback appreciated :)
> 
> xoxo Sophie


	7. Nightmares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You had to flee for multible days out of Paris and to Bucharest where you decide to rent a small apartment. Everything started to turn out fine but something is wrong with Bucky which leads to you being hurt…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy new year everyone. I know it’s been a while but I’ll be hopefully be back on track now again :) <3

[Originally posted by compatissante](https://tmblr.co/Z-0T6t2XAUBNy)

Opening with his metal hand the already opened door, peeking behind him inside the room you saw nothing. Everything seemed to be in the place where you left it. James just checked the bathroom but came out again, a look of confusion and worry written over his face.

“Someone broke in but they didn’t took anything?” you said looking after your stuff. James held his finger up to his mouth letting you stand still and glued to the spot. Waiting for his next move you watched with fear and concentration his face tensing before pointing your not even unpacked bags. Hydra had always their ways to find you, no matter how far you would go or how good you would hide from them even in some ways it really interested you. It just brought up the guilt inside of you up letting you play over and over again what you did through the day. Every step you took and every little detail that you could have missed. Obviously there could be multiple reasons for it but one was for sure it. Earlier the day when you called Abigail with your private phone, which you carried around all the time and spoke onto her voicemail that you were in paris. Not only did you pull this stupid move, no you also didn’t just brought you into danger it was also James, your unborn child, Abigail and George. Once again you thought what great talent you had by bringing the people you cared for into danger and stress out yourself and James.

Carefully and weirdly calm the both of you moved through the streets with your head hung low and you felt also both physically and emotionally exhausted that you could pass out at any time. The few grumbles besides you let you know that James was also not really pleased right now, not really more words were spoken which let the voices in your head only getting louder and you got scared of his reaction because you knew you had to tell him, might be the only thing you could do to get that off of your shoulder at least a bit you hoped.

The process of you getting to the train station and actually into the train was for you like a blanked space in your head. The exhaustion grew with every step you took but just the feeling of being angry at yourself let you feel like in a trance.

Say it.

Tell him.

NOW.

“It was my fault” you looked up to him who sat besides you. The train started moving slowly as the speakers sounded up letting you feel a bit better to get as far away as possible from there.

“I called someone earlier and spoke and left her a voicemail saying where I am. I know how immensely stupid that was but I swear I won’t do it again.God I brought everyone in danger again..” you confessed, looking away again not standing another second of his blue eyes looking at you like this.

“Was it the old couple you worked for?” he asked still staring at you. At first you were confused why he knew that or if you told him about them but you remembered that he was kinda stalking you so you nodded and continued to stare to the ground, the only light that was coming from the moon that shone through the window in your small cabin that you got luckily for just the both of you.

“Let’s get rid of your handy first” Sticking out his hand you reached into your pocket and gave to him. You didn’t wanted to since there on that phone are like the last voicemails, texts and photos with Luke, Abi, George, Hunter and other people and things you just didn’t wanted to let go of, probably the last things you had what was really personal.

“Here take this, I guess you wanna keep what’s on the phone” he simply handed you the small chip and without further thoughts he crushed your phone like a cracker letting you hold back a gasp that was about to leave your lips. In the back of your mind you also thought that it was kinda cool but not like you would say it out loud.

“Are you angry?” Carefully you looked to him as he threw the reminding pieces out of the small window before sitting back on the bench without really noticing that it was much closer to you.

“We don’t even know if it’s your fault. Hydra has always their ways and I really don’t think that was a one time thing” James shrugged watching your still concerned facial expression.

“Let’s make a promise, whatever is coming next and whatever we want to do. We tell each other. No more secrets or whatsoever” Made sense you just thought and sticked your pinkie finger to him.

“Don’t you know this?” you asked grinning and he shook his head speechless.

“This is what you do when you like make a promise…it’s a pinkie promise” you took his hand and showed him what to do, holding onto a moment you saw him grin before releasing his hand again.

“We should try to sleep now” he just said and the both of you turned the bench into a bed for two people. You couldn’t be more excited for this already uncomfortable looking bed and just be able to finally close your damn eyes before your body would collapse and do it itself. The sounds of the train that drove through france beautiful landscapes and city’s could lull you right into sleep, you didn’t care that James was laying so close besides you and hopefully he didn’t either. It might be something like a ‘next step’ to sleep with you in the same bed with your faces like just inches away from each other but also you probably just over thought it.

He didn’t seem to be asleep, more like he had to concentrate really hard to fall asleep.

“Do you even me to call you James? or is it Bucky now….or Buchanan?” that was an honest question but as soon as you finished his eyes opened again and he started laughing. Like really laughing which you haven’t really heard like this before, maybe at one point in the diner.

“I can almost remember nothing y’know but I’m sure that no one called me just Buchanan…always Bucky” He chuckled with you.

“Ok.Good night…Bucky” you told him after a few remaining moments, as his eyes closed again but you could feel the grin on his lips. Finally you fell asleep besides the snuggly heat that radiates from Bucky’s body and the movement from the train.

Something about seven-ish hours later you got woke up from Bucky and took right away a next train further away just to have more distance from whoever intruded your hotel which let you still go crazy. The last train you decided to take was towards Bucharest, the final endstation. It rained like it’s coming out of buckets that just splashed down from the dark sky. Bucky and you laid together on the benches opposite from each other, which you weren’t a fan off. The cold was way more presentable than with the human torch besides you, there weren’t blankets or something so you just tried your best to snuggle into your jeans jacket.

“Can I tell you something?” you took your eyes off the window where the rain hit the surface letting the sight go blurry.

“Didn’t we made a…uh a pinkie promise?” he replied smirking over to you.

“Right, right. You asked me a bit earlier if we kissed before and I..I lied. We did. I said no because I felt like it would be easier for you”

“I know” he said right away letting you feel a bit embarrassed, not because of the make out session you had but because he knew you lied to him. Like he caught you in the act.

“-I can’t remember it well but I..I just know. I can’t explain it” he started again.

“I think that’s it. Just let me know if I forgot something” you smiled revealed.

The breaks of the train screeched loudly and coming slowly to stop as Bucky took most of the bags in his hands and you followed him outside.

Walking through the trainstation you’ve made stop at a bench, it was still raining outside and you had nowhere to go or to be at this moment. Bucky brought a newspaper on the way, checking on free apartments or for now motels, you couldn’t understand a single word what stood there anyways.

“Ok let’s go we take a look at a few ones” he grabbed your hands and pulled you along with me. Neither of you thinking or really just minding of letting go again as you walked fast through the streets trying not to get completely drenched which was impossible by now. You could use your abilities but you got exhausted if you would do this even more while being pregnant so you just decided against it.

“Bucky that was the fifth one. I am tired and hungry..and drenched” you whined and pulled the water out of your hair and sat down in the lobby of another apartment that wasn’t ‘good’ enough or too expensive. It was already in the middle of the day and besides all of that you didn’t exactly made a pause or ate much besides snacks.

“I know…We can take a pause and eat something. Maybe find something where we can sleep.”  He stood up and helped you up too, holding your hand again and with the other the two bags. You weren’t sure how you never noticed that but he didn’t look quite alright as well, never since he was passed out on your couch you saw him sleeping. Maybe you are always falling asleep at first but his appearance told you something else. You would ask him later you decided.

As he stopped walking you just walked right into him almost knocking yourself out. Following his sight to another apartment building where a young guy just came out, he was dressed in a suit but he just didn’t look trustworthy. Nothing really did. This guy seemed just as tired as you, his suit way to big for him and kinda trashy. Bucky walked up to him starting a conversation you again couldn’t understand, all you could do was watching astonished while he kept you with his hand behind his back. It was quicker than expected as he followed the guy back inside.

“Bucky? What did you talk about” you squeezed his hand a bit tighter to get his attention but also for more comfort.

“He has a free apartment and maybe that’s the right one?” and right in this second you heard  more distant sounds from yelling and things breaking coming from somewhere in the building. Your eyes widened and then you just raised your eyebrows at him.

“-Well I said maybe right?” he said shrugging and it wasn’t wrong. You even understood why a few didn’t even wanted to let you see the apartment before. When two people would look as tired and suspicious as you two while having all their belongings in there hands then you wouldn’t let them in either. A few stairs up without an elevator you knew that you wouldn’t get any higher or lower again. It had to be this apartment, that’s how tired you are right now. Going past him you decided to take at least a look.  While they talked again you looked around the one room flat. It had a open kitchen connected with a..well you couldn’t say living room. It was just couch and opposite of it was a bed. Connected to that was a small bathroom. Everything needed a bit of decoration and maybe new furniture but it’s something you tried to think positive.

“What do you think?” Bucky joined your side, catching you a bit off guard.

“You really wanna hear that?” you yawned out loud and looked out of the windows, seeing  markets on the streets filling with people and the sirens of the police could be heard rushing past the building. “-Well I think we won’t find anything else for now and I can’t get kicked out again from the way we look” you pointed to both of yours appearances.

With that you got your apartment and payed for the next three months rent. Until then you still had money for food but you would have to get something soon or you won’t come any further. Winter just came rushing in and so did the cold. Normally you would love the holiday season, you didn’t had the usual Christmas as kid like some kids would have but you loved how everything just fell into this christmas vibe. Snow started falling and it was ice cold because your heater wasn’t that strong. You imagined it a bit different but after all you didn’t wanted to push your luck.

The baby was fine and Bucky well was a different subject. He wasn’t talking to you much and you knew by the time you moved into the flat that he didn’t sleep like at all probably and that pissed you off so much. It’s been like what a month and you have mood swings like hell, your back hurt so much that you could barely walk and Bucky worried you more and more. This night was just like the others as you decided to stay up a bit longer, you heard him shifting and turning on the couch which Bucky decided to stay on even after you told him that you could share the bed. After you fell asleep one or two times you saw that it was something about 4 am. Looking through the room and down to the couch you saw Bucky sitting up with his head leaned against the back starring against the ceiling. Lifting yourself up you walked towards him, for a moment you thought he was asleep but his eyes were open clouded and not even noticing you.

“Bucky?” you spoke up. He only hummed quietly in response, not moving and neither looking up. You didn’t like that.

“Come one buck. How long aren’t you sleeping?” your back started aching again so you sat down besides him wincing from the pain. “-hey…Bucky?” you asked again, same response. Kneeling up you took his face in his hands and turned him to you, he blinked a couple of times before he seemed to realize what is going on.

“Yeah what’s goin’ on” he slurred totally relaxing in your hands.

“Why aren’t you sleeping?” you asked patting his face slightly to get him stay with you as you his eyes rolling into the back of his head. Sighing you pulled him towards you and laid his head onto your lap and the blanket over his body. You would just stay awake from now on.

You let your hand softly go through Bucky’s hair in hope that it would soothe him somehow and you kinda loved that the second you would stop he would grunt or grumble something. Maybe two hours later you had to stand up, feeling uncomfortable sitting so long in the same place. Slowly and carefully you lifted his head and placed it on the couch so you could stand up.  You decided to make some coffee, sadly not for you but for him. For you it was tea and a toast. A look around the small room you smiled at how fast it looked not like a meth house well beside that Bucky decided to glue newspaper on every window, not like you are paranoid yourself but he was topping everything. He also hid two backpacks under the floor. His weird grumbling got louder which snapped you out of your little trance, his breathing increased loudly and he started shaking and turning on his spot. 

Going to his side you reached for his arm which was clearly a mistake, the second you touched him, he reached back and took a hold of your arm tightly letting your cry out loud, his eyes snapped wide open as he pushed you back. Laying on the floor you held your arm where the bruise already started forming, he stomped towards you and before he would hurt you again or maybe even himself you kicked him in his knee as you scrambled back to your feet and behind the kitchen counter.   
“Stop Bucky!” you held your hands up in surrender hoping he would snap out of it. But he continued to march to you, taking the same steps back to hold the distance between the two of you. The clicking of the water boiler reminded you of something which was the last thing you wanted to do.

“God fuck you James” you screamed and threw a pan at him to take him off guard as you clicked off the water boiler and opened the lid taking out most of the water and letting it just flow in the air before looking back to James who had the pan now in his hand.

“James stop it! Listen to my voice!!” you shouted but he threw the back at you, luckily just hitting your shoulder, you walked further away from him. Taking a small portion of the hot water you let it splash him right in his face. It wasn’t enough to hurt him badly but you couldn’t turn it cold right now without the danger of you fainting or worse. He hissed back as held his face and looked back up to you, only looking angrier.

“You know me! I am (Y/N) and you are James buchanan Barnes. We are in bucharest right now..remember?..please remember!” you tried to throw in some information maybe that would help but as he threw his right hand at you, you could only duck in second to let him hit the wall as you pushed him with your side away from you.

The water splashing onto the ground as you couldn’t control it any longer, your nose already bleeding as you winced out again remembering that he hit your shoulder with a pan, you scrambled to your feet and fell onto the bed as he landed on top of you pushing you down with his body. You catched both of his wrist as he tries to strangle you using all your body strength to do so.

“What about steve remembering him if not me? Steve Rogers?…come on Barnes!” you grunted as your arms gave out. His hand lacing around your neck pushing hard slowly cutting of your air. With on of your hand your reached to side looking for something as you reached the night stand you took the lamp that stood there and crashed it onto his head. Enough was enough you decided and catched for air. Sinking from the mattress down to the ground, you saw him trying to stand up again. The tears where now falling freely, you couldn’t fight anymore not against him. Pushing your knees up to somehow protect your baby bump from him. Remembering the ultrasound picture you reached back onto the night stand you took the photo and held it out to him, showing him it. You were almost ready to be hit again but he stopped dead in his tracks as he looked confused at the paper. He reached for it and stared at it as you tried to stand up hearing him call your name softly only to lean with your arms onto the bed as you felt a weird pain in your stomach again and again.

[Originally posted by sebbystanfann](https://tmblr.co/Zn4swc2TAfWkX)

Like a click in his head switched on he looked the small picture in his hands, realizing what he had done. Some furniture broken or run over, water all over the place then his look caught you on the ground. A dark purple bruise on your arm and your shoulder bleeding through your ripped shirt and a red bruise in the from of hands around your neck. Tears streaming down your face as you sobbed. He did that. He hurt you. Both of you. His eyes widened as his hand balled into a fist and falling to his side.

“(Y/N)?” he asked and wanted to reach out to you but decided not to as he thought it would be the best to stay away from you. Seeing you trying to stand up again and then suddenly leaning onto the bed seeing you tense and reaching to take a hold of your stomach. He wanted to ask again but you cut him off with a loud pain filled “NO” as you stood up and run out of the door leaving him behind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback appreciated!
> 
>  
> 
> xoxo Sophie


	8. Hearts still beating

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Accidental confession are made and both you and Bucky get closer and closer...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter is a bit short but I had it longer and it didn’t look good cause of small time jumps so I’ll post one or two little drabbles with the time jumps pretty soon(did that make sense?)

  


 

On your way out you luckily grabbed your jacket between the cramping inside of you otherwise you would have freeze to death outside. It still snowed as you ran out of the front door, almost slipping on ice in the process. Stopping yourself you took the moment and walked in the pace of other people around you to catch your breath and think for a second, slowly breathing in and out you told yourself catching some attention and weird glances from others but you didn’t care. Maybe you’re overreacting and that’s all just an illusion or another great thing about pregnancy to get crazy.

Walking and turning a few corners you finally reached your doctors office. Well it wasn’t even a doctor or an office really much. But he certainly was a doctor but got the license taken away as he specifically started working and helping mutants like you besides that he was an middle aged kinda clumsy and weird guy who has a strong german accent. You liked him. Bucky obviously didn’t.

Bucky POV

He didn’t move an inch since he watched you run out of the door and your fast footsteps down stairs echoing through the open door you left open.

For the moment he couldn't remember what is going on at all. Not you neither the baby or himself. Just this pure anger was left in him as he had this nightmare and woke up. He wished none of that really happened or that he has that under control but every little detail was saved from the fight, the panic that clearly showed in your face. It played on repeat like a living nightmare.

He sank to the ground, gripping his hair tightly between his hands not knowing how to handle the situation. Loud and painful thoughts just running through his mind.

Normal POV

“Oh don’t worry about it so much. It is almost nothing wrong with your baby...indeed it was a good thing it happened” he assured you.

“Almost nothing?” you replied and readjusted your shirt taking the tea he offered you.

Dr. Augustus Schultz was his name, at least that’s what he told you. He showed you the clip on the screen again from the ultrasound you just did.

“You see him squirming around like this?That means he’s moving around. He started kicking (Y/N)!” he said excited and started talking about a completely different topic, another thing you liked about him. He could be so random sometimes. It reminds you on a crazy scientist. As you processed his words you also noticed some words he hasn’t used before.

“Wait hold on- Did you..say he? It’s a boy?” you cut him off watching him with joy not even sure that you just heard that right.

“Did I say that? Well my...uh english is not really good” he stuttered but  you didn’t believe him.

“Yes you did. It’s fine doc is it really a boy?” you asked jumping from the stool in excitement.

“Sorry I just blurted it out. Sometimes people like to say I don’t have alle tassen im Schrank but yes it is a boy” he sighed out.

“I don’t know what you just said but thank you doc” you gave him tea you didn’t even try back and sprinted out of his office only hearing him yell after you not to run fast. You just felt the urge to tell it Bucky right now happy and excited on your way back.

In the elevator this time you decided to keep your mouth shut for now, doesn’t matter how excited you are in the moment. It was more important to make sure at first that he was alright and that he knew that he didn’t hurt you. You weren’t even mad at him. At the front door you knocked a couple of times, earlier on your way out you didn’t exactly grab anything else then the jacket.

“Hey Bucky it’s me. I am totally fine ok? Can you maybe open the door please?” you leaned against the doorway and sighed. Was he even in there you asked yourself. Knocking again and again you tried to make out a sound but there was nothing but silence.

“He left! Now shut up!” someone shouted from another hallway. You almost screamed as the voice echoed through the building.

“Where to?....Hello?” you shouted backbut no response came. Rolling your eyes you looked back to the door. You could try to kick it in but the danger of hurting yourself or the little baby inside of you wasn’t worth it. With nothing much left of a choice you got outside again. You are already tired from the running around from before but maybe you would see Bucky outside somewhere which you also had a feeling that wouldn’t happen so fast. It worried you and the thought of him just leaving completely plagued your mind. Walking around in the familiar streets you learned to know after the time you lived here. There is nothing that you could do beside searching for him yourself. Police? Way to risky and would be a stupid move.

Asking random people? Hell no, not much spoke english anyway and not half of them are really nice.

Calling someone to open your door? Technically you didn’t even live there legally and beside that how do you wanna pay this guy. It freaked you out to not have an idea or a simple plan in stock. You also had Hydra in mind but they didn’t showed up for more than a month, there is still the possibility but you don’t want to waste time thinking about hydra. You back and feet started to ache like hellfire so you made your way back and brought one or two things in order to open your apartment door.

Bucky once opened a door with two paper clips but he didn’t exactly taught you how to so you had to use your powers. You didn’t like using them much while also being pregnant but you had to get behind that door so you took the water bottle you brought and splashed a bit against the door lock. Holding it with one hand you clenched your eyes shut and concentrated on freezing the lock to the moment it broke, letting you stumble into the room. No sight of Bucky or anything else. His journal still laid under the couch, the money and your gun was everywhere you left it. Also no sign of a fight so you placed a chair under the door knob and laid down on the couch just staring at the ceiling until your exhaustion finally took over. Still alone the next day you leaned of the kitchen table just watching the door like a hawk, tapping with your fingers against the counter you groaned and rubbed the bridge of the nose. That couldn’t go on like this so you grabbed a pen and paper to do something you should have done way before.

“Dear Abigail, George (and Hunter),

I am sorry that I didn’t message you before beside the one voicemail you hopefully heard. It hasn’t been easy but I promise we are fine. I deeply hope you are too! It’s been a long road but I think we have reached the end and made ourselves a little home...at least for now. If you want to message me back please send it back to this address and the name Elena Marston. Don’t want to risk something. Hope to hear from you soon. Miss you!

Sincerely (Initials)”

You brought the letter a bit far away to a post station. Hoping that it wasn’t to obvious. Back on your way home. You let the door unfreeze, for now that would be your only way otherwise you had to leave your apartment unlocked and that’s one of the last things you wanted.

Still empty you kinda hoped he would just magically appear and sit on the couch like nothing happened but that wasn’t the case. You did nothing through the rest of the day besides sleeping, reading and walking around cause a certain someone decided to kick into the most uncomfortable ways. Sometimes in the middle of the night you woke up to the sound of your doorknob turning a few times, you quickly got up from the couch and in the bathroom with your knife as you heard it again and again before the chair must have broke. The slow and almost inaudible footsteps came closer and closer and once he was in reach you swung around the corner with the knife aiming for his neck but you were stopped abruptly, the knife falling onto the ground.

Just hearing your name getting called out silently. Your eyes widened as you studied his face in the dark. Bucky was finally back and you didn’t hesitate before swinging your arms around his middle, hugging him tightly with your head against his chest.

“Where were you James? I was so worried” you mumbled finally feeling how he relaxed against you touch.

“I- I was looking for you. I am so sorry (Y/N) I don’t know how I could do this...” he whispered with croaky voice and tried to pull away but you didn’t wanted to let go for now, still not believing that he is back.”You didn’t hurt anyone. Alright? I am sorry I just run out but the baby started kicking” you parted now and you looked up smiling at him. You couldn’t see much in dark but he looked kinda surprised and maybe even happy.

“-anyway you must tired and I certainly am so let’s go catch some sleep” you said and lead him to the bed but he snatched his hand out of yours and stopped in front of the bed. You didn’t wanted to let him sleep on the couch anymore and you just needed to know that he was really here with you.

“I shouldn’t sleep on the bed….Maybe even not here at all (Y/N)” he cleared his throat.

“You didn’t hurt me. I had that under control and nothing happened” you assured him sitting down onto the opposite of the bed, he still stayed still.

“I still can. I won’t risk that” he turned around to leave but you won’t let him leave like that. Not. now or ever. Catching him on his way to the hallway you blocked his way.

“I don’t care” you said firmly and he furrowed his brows and shook his head.

“You don’t care?” he replied confused, looking almost angry.

“Yes I don’t care! ‘cause I know I have that under control. I know you aren’t sleeping even tho you need it. I know you have nightmares but I have too ok? and I- I won’t let you leave again so I gotta sit here and wait for you to return!” you pointed at him already tearing up, thanks to your hormonal swings.

“(Y/N)..I-” he tried to argue but that wasn’t helping

“James Buchanan Barnes you better lay down and sleep right now!!” you point your finger to the bed and he did as you told so you joined him shortly after. It was silence for a few minutes. You almost thought he fell asleep before he suddenly spoke up again.

“You’re gonna be a great mom y’know” he said and you smirked to tired to open your eyes. The baby started kicking again, seemed to be always in the night or early hours.

“Give me your hand Bucky” you said and hesitated to you grabbed his right hand yourself and laid it over you and against the spot you felt the kicks. You could his breath against your neck, it was new for the both of you and it wasn’t meant to be sexual or anything else at all but that was the most comfortable you have laid in a while.

“Are you still up?” you asked as you kinda waited for a response but he only let out a content hum against your neck.

“It’s a boy...the doc you don’t like told me accidently” you said, carefully laying your hand over his.

“I knew that we can’t trust this guy” you heard him say right before you fell asleep without having any nightmares.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback appreciated! 
> 
> xoxo Sophie


	9. Merry little Christmas *Drabble*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas with Bucky. First drabble cause of some minor time jumps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can be technichally read as a one shot?

To say you had a lot of up and downs in the past months was normally enough problems in the life of a normal human being. You could be surprised that it didn’t hit it you harder but all the running away with Bucky and being pregnant kept your mind away from griefing. If that was a good thing to do was another thing to discuss.

Two or three months are only left, the joy you felt was immense, to this little bundle you’ve created finally in your arms and to actually get to meet him, see him grow and everything that comes along but with the joy and happiness came also fear for what could go wrong, hydra is still after the boy. Birth could go wrong in so many multiple ways that hurt just thinking about it but you knew that you had to talk with Bucky about at some point, for the worst case scenario that crept to your thoughts on a daily basis. Not like you’re filled with luck.

  
Besides that you couldn’t be any more thrilled to not be pregnant anymore. At some kind is cool and fun but then also it’s not. You had some certain problems you never want to have again, especially as you started to gain weight and a certain size of your stomach. It was insane how much help you needed in simple daily basis tasks, even standing up could be a challenge, for that you got more and more grateful for Bucky at your side. Now there was also the stuff you had to get for the baby.

“You sure you don’t help over there? I could start with some other stuff” you questioned and looked to all the other still packaged stuff. There probably wasn’t even space to put this stuff but you just brought the important stuff. Bucky tried his luck with the crib you saw as you casually were grocery shopping and saw it on sale thinking:’Oh yeah you need certain stuff for a newborn!’ 

“No don’t touch it. Just relax, I got this!” he assured you even tho he was the opposite of calm in the middle of all the wooden parts and materials.

“Geez ok. You give me anxiety by just watching you.” you chuckled and turned back to your magazine. He groaned every now and then, it was so audible and often that you looked back up again.

“Bucky we can also do this another time. Not like I am already in labor or anywhere near it ok?” you said and pushed yourself up.

“Yeah..but I just wanna get it done now” Bucky’s head dropped. Sitting down besides him you took the constructions and together you eventually made it until it looked like how it’s supposed to look like. The other stuff could wait for now.

Christmas was here and neither you or Bucky did really care one bit since none of you had it really growing up or like at all or a real christmas for once so what you did was Have yourself a merry little christmas and at least cooked something nice. Well nicer than everything else you had to this point.

“So how does it taste?” you watched Bucky tasting the stuff you made or tried making. His face twitched slightly as he continued to chew on it with raised eyebrows and a hand in front of his mouth.

“Interesting..” he eventually brought out.

“It doesn’t taste good?” you asked somehow expecting this.

“No..Well-” he stuttered and inspected the food finally swallowing what he had and coughing afterwards. You tried now yourself. It is bad, like really bad and you ate a lot of weird shit through your pregnancy.

“I kinda saw that coming. Not the first time that happened” you told him smiling and also trying not to throw up.

“That happened before?” he chuckled surprised.

“Yeah…I got Luke and myself into the hospital on Thanksgiving” you laughed thinking back to it.

**-Flashback/Memory-**

“I guess we can call this the worst Thanksgiving in history” you remembered Luke saying from the hospital bed right besides you. He looked so pale, face covered with sweat and like he was about to die this day, with a bucket in his hands and still managing to make fun of you this idiot.

“Stop Luke ok?!It’s hurting if I laugh to much!” you said turning away from him with a painful smile on yourself, also a bucket in your hands.

“Romantically? I think you topped this one from the past date nights” Luke said letting you turn around again, maybe a bit to fast as you had to empty your stomach once again.

“Barfing together in the Hospital, Side by side after Miss (Y/N) (Y/L/N) tried to kill both her and her boyfriend on Thanksgiving” He held his hand like he was holding a microphone and also talking like he is presenting the news. if he could do something then it’s cheering someone up. A thing you learned this day was not trying to cook again (well that worked..) and laughing and throwing up wasn’t something enjoyable to do.

**-End of Flashback/Memory-**

“You never talk about him” Bucky said catching you a bit off guard.

“Yeah well..- We should clean this up before it can spread” you laughed it off, totally not changing the subject.

“Just now you can and if you don’t wanna it’s fine too” he stopped you and held out his pinky finger.

“You too” you replied and linked your fingers together. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback appreciated 
> 
>  
> 
> xoxo Sophie


	10. New Year's traditions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New Year’s Eve including their traditions with Bucky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can be technically read as a One shot without reading any previous Parts.

~~~~

The days between Christmas and New Year’s Eve are absolutely useless. You did nothing at all besides maybe trying to figure out the rest of the furniture and where to put it. Now a few hours before the clock hits midnight you positioned your couch in front of the window with snacks in your hand and decided to at least watch the fireworks. You didn’t need a big party, lots of people or like this one time going to the time square only to be covered in beer and whatsoever. At this stage of your pregnancy the bed or couch was your favorite place to be. Bucky for sure too.

2015 stood in front of the door and you hoped it would be a better year cause you desperately need it

You barely sat down on the couch and not even a few minutes into your book you felt the exhaustion kicking in. Since your little fella starting kicking, you were in a constant state of being half awake and half asleep. Either it is night and he kicks so you can’t sleep more than half an hour or it was day and couldn’t sleep because you are to occupied with other stuff. You are glad he started but at some point he could give you a break for at least an hour or so.

“You got any New Year’s resolutions?” Bucky let your head look up from under the book, wouldn’t he had catched you then you would be asleep now for sure. He laid on the opposite site of the couch with you feet on his lap and journal in his hands.

“No not really just a peaceful next year but I know that won’t happen” you shrugged and laid your book to the side, not up for any more detailed informations about birth. “-What about you?” you added and saw thinking for a moment, just looking through the room.

“I guess the same” he smiled contently and continued to draw or write something. Bucky never showed you what he did in there and you respected that but you couldn’t help yourself to be a little interested sometimes.

“You falling asleep on me (Y/N)?” you heard him ask but didn’t even felt like responding anymore besides a small hum that he maybe didn’t even heard. You just couldn’t keep your eyes open anymore so you sunk further into the cushion, snuggled into the blanket. Just resting your eyes you told yourself.

“It’s like what an hour left? I can do it” you yawned ironically out. Bucky just smiled and shook his head, continuing to draw what he had for thoughts right now and a little sketch from you, which you hopefully never found out. It was something he didn’t wanted to forget. Not one detail. So caught up with this he almost missed the countdown if people wouldn’t scream it on the streets.

_Three._

_Two._

_One._

Bucky heard following with explosions and the sky being lighten up with the colorful fireworks. Looking back at you he was impressed how you didn’t even seemed to notice all the loud noises outside. Closing his journal, he carefully lifted your feet to stand up. Going to the other side he sat down besides you for a second just looking at you before bring the blanket higher up your body. Not debating any longer with himself he leaned down to kiss your cheek and as if faith didn’t wanted it any other way you turned your body just in this second, enough to let his lips land into the corner of your mouth. He pulled rather quickly away, the familiar feeling letting something bubble up in him.

Now you staring at him shocked, a rosy blush covering your cheeks. His face probably just as red. Before he brought out anymore words you pulled him down to your level again, letting your lips once again almost crash together into a passion filled kiss, he concentrated hard to enjoy it before it’s over. Like a reflex he started to want more and more, letting you know by biting softly your bottom lip but you pulled away again.

“Happy new year James” you whispered with your foreheads still resting against each other. He just smiled and thought indeed a happy new year as another firework exploded outside.

[ **PS: VOTE WHAT THE BABY NAME SHOULD BE!** ](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.strawpoll.me%2F17238707&t=YTQzMmM5ZDQ3NjBmMTRkN2FjNGE2OWU3Yzc4ZmVkYjE2YmJlZWNlMyxjeWxlNElTYw%3D%3D&b=t%3Abrqn2mkcLBq8Mcy9BaL0UA&p=https%3A%2F%2Fpseudonymfox.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F182039748574%2Fabort-mission-72drabble&m=0)

~~~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback appreciated 
> 
>  
> 
> xoxo Sophie


	11. Let's get started

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Accidental confession are made and both you and Bucky get closer and closer until you finally give birth...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah I just wanted to get over the birth lol thats why it’s so short but anyway I hope I don’t offend anyone with this cause I have no Idea about how birth is and everything included to this but I tried my best. Tell me if I did something wrong or let me know about your experience?? :D

Today is the day. You got into early labor a few hours ago. In the beginning it wasn’t that bad, more uncomfortable but that changed rather quickly. Also you water didn’t break yet and the time in between the contraction wasn’t short enough, so you didn’t wanted to go to any doctor or hospital for now. You didn’t wanted to tell Bucky this soon but he also woke up the second you did with your first contractions and it took a long time convincing him not to drag you to a hospital. Anyone would probably send you away again anyways.  
Since New Year’s and your sweet little moment you shared it was almost as always and yet different, like a relationship but unofficially or an unspoken one. Could be also possible that you got delusional through you lack of sleep and imagined it all. Who knows.

Besides all of that you got mostly every month a package or letters from Abi and George, filled with self made baby clothes or other things. Sadly they told you right at the beginning of the New Year that Hunter died. Your sweet little beagle you learned to love so much but time goes on and you learned to live with it. Right in the early mornings you awoke once again from the pain in your lower abdomen. Nothing really helped besides waiting for the end.  
“Again? We should go now come one” Bucky lifted his sleepy head from his bed and started to dress himself but you stopped him by his wrist.  
“No we had that conversation already Buck. Just lay down again. I’ll be fine in a minute or so” you said through gritted teeth assuring him. Bucky got into something like a protective-dad mode which you of course liked but you weren’t sure if he wanted to be a father figure or if you pushed that onto him. Both of you never talked about anything what happens after you gave birth to your son. All that was said was to get out of the country until then.  
“Can we talk about something?” you asked, the pain slowly letting go again.  
“Something specific?” he said cross legged next to you, holding your hand assuring.  
“About what happens if it goes downhill” you said looking up to him but he simply stood up walked to the bathroom with you following because that needed to be said.  
“We gotta talk about it. Maybe I am being paranoid and crazy but I want to at least talk about it.” you kept you glance on him as he sternly started brushing his teeth.  
“I don’t” Bucky said in between.  
“That doesn’t matter. If you don’t wanna fine but just listen: If I don’t make it you take care of this child, if we both don’t make it than I want you to go and find Steve. I know he’s important to you and if you don’t have that bagage anymore then please do me a favor and find your best friend..otherwise I’ll haunt your ass down as a ghost” you chuckled trying to keep this as simple as possible. There was just that small chance of something happening so you don’t want to say that this is your last goodbye to Bucky or something.  
“Alright” he smiled, and you hold your finger out to him. “-promise?”you asked smirking but he hesitated a bit to long.  
“Oh my god Bucky..I didn’t say it will happen. I just want to you to promise me that you will take care of him and yourself. Alright?” Gladly he linked your fingers together but held onto it after you wanted to let go again. “Now you promise me something” he suggested firmly, you only nodded in response.  
“If and only if something goes wrong you won’t just give up. You will fight against it and give your very very best” he said, his voice getting quieter with the last words. “Of course” you replied and got up as he wanted to go in for a hug. That isn’t a stupid rom-com where you made your last promise or something. So you won’t cry or even hug him or be sentimal  
“That isn’t emotional Bucky” you said and could almost hear his eyes roll and the sigh he did.  
“Can’t even get a hug anymore.” you heard him mumble. “Oh please..” you chuckled, sitting down onto the couch you laid your head onto the back. Your hands on your belly hoping to just stop it, you weren’t ready for being in labor like at all, your anxiety increased with like every second. Only a minute or so passed as you heard the sound of a camera going off. Lifting your head you looked confused to Bucky who had a instant camera in his hands, shaking the picture that just came out.  
“What are you doing?” you raised your eyebrows at him.  
“Don’t you want some picture for afterwards?” he replied and looked at the picture showing it in your direction. It was immense to see you from that point of view, with the huge pump you got, a messy bun and clearly the signs of the lack of sleep.  
“Where and when did you even brought this?” you exclaimed, feeling a bit embarrassed.  
“from the market. This old guy sold it me for a few bucks” Bucky smirked and took another picture from you.  
“Would you stop?” you chuckled and hid your face from him.  
“No you will regret this if I’ll stop. Look they are really good” He got up and showed you the pictures he had in his journal. Just totally random picture from you or outside or things in your apartment. As he looked at the pictures you took quickly the camera also taking pictures of him. “Oh yes they are” you laughed taking a few more before he snatched it out of your hand. Another contraction struck through you, it lasted a bit longer now but not long enough and the time in between was also still way to long.  
“(Y/N)?” you heard Bucky ask worried.  
“I’m fine, just a harder one I guess” you assured.  
“We should really go see someone now” he said. But you didn’t wanna. You are not ready for this. What if you are a terrible mom or you do something out of accident.  
“You don’t have much of a choice” he chuckled.  
“Yes I have. We wait til my water breaks ok?” you tried to argue which was totally not the best time to do. The contraction stopped now anyways.  
“I don’t think that’s a good idea”  
“Calm down ok. They are still not near enough to go to a hospital” you said drinking another glass of water. You knew it’s time now, with every contraction the pain also increased.  
“How many did you have til now?” Bucky asked while scribbling something down.  
“I don’t know?five maybe more” you thought and looked to Bucky who closed it again.  
“Are you writing them down?Why are you already a better mol than I am?” you shook your head laughing.  
“Yes I am writing them down but I won’t be a better mom, you can believe me that”  
he looked up to you now.  
“We didn’t exactly talked about it or us but I thought if you want to of course-” you stopped thinking about it. You would feel guilty if you did it, like you are betraying Luke or something. You are certain that he’s dead and that you wanted a father figure for your son but you couldn’t bring yourself to it to even ask Bucky that because would he even want that?  
“Yeeeah?” Bucky looked confused to you, bringing you out of your little daydream.  
“Uhh if you wanted to stay in the room with me.” you cleared your thought and quickly changed your original idea.  
“Like I would leave you alone” he said coming up to your side, right in the moment as you laid your glass into the sink you felt another one rushing in much earlier then the last ones and much stronger too. Groaning you leaned onto the sink, gripping the sides tightly, seems like you also didn’t have much control right now as the sink froze were still water was. You felt Bucky caressing your back and giving your courage. Suddenly you felt this wet warm fluid that run down your legs. It’s time now and you are still not ready for it.  
“Bucky...My water just broke” you brought out with shaky voice. His hand stopped going in circles for a second.  
“Ok then let’s go or no you sit down I’ll go get your bag” he stuttered and helped you away from the sink and down onto a chair. As he run around the room looking for the bag you already packed a week ago because you were so impatient.  
“No we wait. There’s still time..I- I wanna wait” you sobbed quietly out from the pain increasing through the contractions.  
“til the baby comes? I didn’t get to the chapter yet” he exclaimed with sarcastic undertone and as you looked up you saw the smile on his lips just as you thought he would be. Tears struck in your eyes already burning.  
“You wanna meet your son? then we go to the hospital now. It will be over in no time. I know that you can do it and I won’t leave your side” he took your hand and his and squeezed it a couple of times to assure and comfort you. It helped a lot but pain like this is stronger.  
“Ok” you said with a following sob and let go of him to change into a new pair of sweatpants and put on your shoes and Jacket. The elevator was thankfully empty, the ride to the hospital was not so nice, the driver didn’t really like someone almost giving birth in his car.  
Coming to the hospital you leaned onto the front desk while Bucky talked to her.  
“How can I help you sir?” she looked to Bucky not even noticing you.  
“My Girlfriend is in labor!?” he pointed to you and also keeping a hand on your back. The nurse whistled someone over, a lady helped you into a wheelchair and rolled you away, in a different direction. Looking back towards Bucky you saw him going after you but the madam kept him on the spot. Your nurse also kept you up with questions it made you anxious to be alone with strangers, her english wasn’t the best but didn’t matter anyway now. There was a baby that wanted to come out!  
“What are the names?” the front desk lady asked Bucky as he kept his stare into the hallway where you disappeared.  
“(Y/N) (Y/L/N) and I am..Bucky Barnes” he told her with hesitation but he couldn’t concentrate now.  
“Are you the father sir?”  
“...sir?” she raised her voice again.  
“uh..yes” he said and not because he really wanted to be something like that because he was scared that he weren’t allowed into the room or..in case something would happen from the things you talked about. On the way to your room she asked a bit more but left him alone as they stood before the room.  
“Heeeeeeey buckyyy” you said with silly voice. Exactly the opposite from what he thought would happen.  
“How are you?” he smirked at you, who sat sideways in a hospital gown there and giggled through her contractions.  
“Weird. They already gave me some painkillers and the epidural and now I can’t feel my legs” you told him, your eyes fluttering every few seconds. Two nurses always kept you company checking some things and just getting ready. Contraction after contraction and you still had to wait which was unbearable to do.  
“I am hungry” you muttered in between huffing and panting while holding onto Bucky’s hand tightly, you saw his knuckles already turning white.  
“You can have whatever you want afterwards” He said. The nurse helping you through the next one telling you that you have to push after the next one and that she would get the doctor now.  
“I liked that you called me your girlfriend” you said again with closed eyes, your forehead sweaty but he wouldn’t have it another way according to the other ways that could have happened. He brought his hand up to your face to swipe away a few hair strands that sticked to your face.  
“Really?” his smiled disappeared taking that rather serious even tho he is certain that you will forget about this with whatever is in your blood right now. You hummed in response as the doctors and nurses helped you through your pushes, you didn’t much of the pain. More like somehow what really is going on. It was really weird. The nurse counted them down to help you through it. Another one hour or so of pushes you finally welcomed your son into the world. You did it you kept hearing them say as they laid him on your chest for a minute. His soft cries echoed through the room as you cried too. The pain and worries disappearing with just one look at him.  
As they were done with the tests and all the stuff you laid in bed with Bucky sitting beside you, your little still unnamed son in your arms.  
“You know if you have no problem with it I would uhm- I want you to have a voice in this too. In his life and everything. But if you don’t want to it’s fine too” you couldn’t even bring your eyes away from his. He has the bright green ones like his dad which was almost scary to see after all these months, like you forgot him. Bucky wanted to say no if he was being honest but Hydra is gone at least as it seemed to be and his nightmares are away too if he was with you. Your life isn’t perfect that was as clear as a day and it’s gonna be hard from now on but he couldn’t help himself as he leaned to you letting your eyes meet his before he cradled you cheek softly and kissed you.  
You took that as a yes. For now everything is perfect but nothing is meant to be forever 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feefback appreciated


	12. Coming home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You dicover new problems, and it’s all slowly leading up to Civil war...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo back at it again with the angst haha oops. Thanks for voting everyone <3 Much appreciated

  


 

You recovered in hospital for two days and now you got to go home. Finally. You couldn’t believe it. Your baby is still is a bit smaller because he came earlier than expected, luckily you fit into the clothes you brought him, he would grow into it anyways.

“Say hello to your new home Archer” you said following Bucky into the apartment which is stuffed with baby furniture by now. Bucky was being a  gentleman and carried all he could, not wanting you to carry anything heavy. Carefully you sat down onto the couch, Archer in a seat besides you. It just made you emotional to look at him, with his squishy face and bright green eyes and well...hello tears. 

The birth was pretty unproblematic but it was still painful even now, your tummy was also still there. Not as big but like the size of when you were maybe at five months or so. Besides all that you are really happy to be home and to have a real ‘home’ again.

About Archer it was literally just name you and Bucky liked right away after he insisted on picking on out a thousand times cause he’s apparently not included in this. Yeah right as if..

Bucky sat on the bed also next to Archer and looked at him. He didn’t sleep much either.

“You should get some rest Bucky. You’ve been awake since we got to the hospital” you reminded him, it’s been a few crazy surreal days. One hand on the seat swinging it really lightly

“Are you really telling me this?! You do realize that you just gave birth?” he said smirking and yes it really sounded ridiculous.

“To be honest no, not yet. He supposed to be eating every few hours soo..” you laughed.

“Soo?..Go to sleep I will wake you when the time is right - or well he does” Bucky pointed out. All you could do is nod so you laid a blanket over you and get some rest at least for a little bit.   
A sound you had to get used to woke you up again. The soft cries and sobs from Archer sounded through the room, which you still found adorable at this point. Let’s see how long it would last.

“Is he hungry?” Sitting straight up you asked with squinted and half open eyes into the room.

“I-I don’t know” he stuttered you looked up at him with this hefty seat in his hands swaying it.

“Did you try taking him in your arms?” you asked him again rubbing your eyes. He shook his head and laid him back to your side letting you take a look at him. Carefully you put his blanket aside and took him out in your arms hugging him while laying him on your chest and letting your hand run over his small body. His crying stopped as he yawned out again.

“See, easy as that. You wanna try it?” you asked ready to give him into his arms but he crossed his arms and stood up pretty quickly.

“No thanks” he answered taking distance, Bucky didn’t really took him in his arms yet.

“Why? It’s not that hard, I mean I don’t have much experience myself” you raised your eyebrows at him. He didn’t respond, like he would always do. Afraid something might happen because of him. “-What do you think will happen. I trust you Bucky and I am sure he does too” you stood up and took his arms looking him a bit into his eyes, making sure that he know you meant it. Then taking his arm and sitting him down onto to couch again, giving Archer into his arms who stretched out a bit and made himself comfortable. Sitting down right besides them. He is still tensed and not moving like at all.

“Lean back and relax. Ok everything is alright. Just look at him and don’t concentrate on everything else” you said taking his metal arm that he kept locked behind his back and laying it under his under hand.

“I don’t wanna hurt him (Y/N)” he mumbled furrowing his brows at Archer then looking up at you.

“You won’t. I know it”

Bucky finally allowed himself to relax and actually enjoy the moment with him. Two weeks got on and one with some kind of a routine in your day. Eating the baby, sleeping, changing diapers, changing clothes from both of your sides.  
While you stayed at home, Bucky got out groceries shopping. You got better but you still had cramps and it hurted when you sat or moved the wrong way. It just took it’s time. One thing what you always read was to be patient even tho you are the most impatient person.

Unlocking the front door he walked in closing the door with his foot, two heavy bags in his hands. The crying he heard at first didn’t really concern him but as he noticed it wasn’t the baby who he got worried and let the bags drop onto a table. Going in alarm mode into the living room. You still sat with archer sat back onto your legs, with you watching him with tears in your eyes.

“What’s wrong?” he asked taking a good look at the both of you.

“He’s just..- so insanely cute” you sobbed, his tiny hand wrapped your fingers. Watching you both with wide eyes. Bucky rolled his eyes and laughed feeling the weight lift off of him.

“Sorry I am being so emotional and whiny all the time. I act like I am the baby here” you chuckled through the tears.

“Don’t worry about it. After all you are right” he grinned from ear to ear as the little boy watched him.

Before you would get crazy you convinced Bucky to go out and visit your doctor to for a check up and show off your baby of course. It you a good hour before you got out.,  Archer didn’t like changing his clothes and apparently that baby could make everything dirty within seconds. You had Archer strapped to your chest in one of those baby slings as you knocked onto the wooden door of Augustus apartment or what he said office. Like a bad dream the door opened itself as your knuckles touched the door. Your smile fell, that can’t be real. Please no you thought.

Bucky stepped forward holding you and Archer behind his back. You heard someone whimpering for help. This place was a mess, the door kicked in, things broken and kicked over.

Bucky checked the place as you saw his body on the ground, a pair of scissors in his chest that he held onto and other cuts and bruises on him. Especially his face. Luckily Archer was sleeping like rock.

“Stay calm alright doc” you kneeled to him pressing with a random towel that laid around onto his wounds where the blood came seeping out, immediately through the towel dying it in a dark red color.

“He was here..-looking for you..and him” he coughed out, spitting out blood his hand held over yours that still clutched the towel. It felt cold and the blood sticky and wet to your hands.

“It can’t be that long ago. Who was here? What was his name?” Bucky raised his voice stepping forward and looking down at him but Augustus seemed already gone, his gaze cold wandering through the room. His shaking also stopped. The last thing you heard was “he’s beautiful” as his hand fell from yours and his eyes stayed stuck on you. You couldn’t move from your spot just as Bucky took your hands. “(Y/N)” he said worried, you had to urge your eyes away from him as you got up with Bucky who cleaned your hands a bit off in the bathroom. The water turned red and as you looked at your now clean hands you could still feel the blood sticking to it. Under your nails, slowly drying, still dripping down your fingers. Just like with Luke, whose blood also sticked to you like a burden. You left again and got home shortly after a really quick walk.

You sat on the edge of the bed looking at your hands before you noticed Bucky grunting and grumbling something while looking bewildered through the room.

“What are you looking for Bucky?” you asked him.   
“The bags...where did I put them?” his hand running shakily through his hair. Not a good sign and you knew where the bags are but you decided to simply not tell him, having it figured it out why he would look for them and in now way you would let that happen again. Not now and obviously not with Archer.   
“Would you stop. Who knows maybe..I-” you stopped yourself, you didn’t have an explanation or anything else you could bring up.

“Maybe the weren’t Hydra” you shrugged.

“We have to go (Y/N), you know it” Bucky argued, not really up for it either but also not understanding your point.

“I don’t want to and I simply can’t” you felt childish saying that but it was the truth.

“You don’t want to? (Y/N) that isn’t up for discussion!” his voice slowly raising, more angry and confused.

“I literally just got out of hospital after giving birth! to my son?!  That is up for discussion if you don’t understand that I don’t wanna put him through this and I can’t put myself through this again” you snapped back, holding yourself back from cursing. Bucharest is going to be your last stop and you meant it. That was it.

“You will put him through worse if they get him!!”he screamed painfully. 

Your eyes going wide as Archer woke up and started crying, you undid him carefully from your chest and laid him on the mattress to calm him down. Not looking back at Bucky, he remained silent anyways.

“I should go. That’s the best for anyone” he mumbled much quieter this time which let you look up as Archer stayed still again. 

“Are you insane?” you declared. “-They are just like after you like they are for me” you reminded him that this wasn’t a competition of who is the most wanted. You didn’t wanted to whine about it all the time like you would force him into this If really like really wants to leave then fine. 

“Remember back in Paris? I don’t think Hydra was that either and now that? If I learned something about them then that they don’t make half things. If they had the chance to get us they would take it, if they want someone dead then they make sure off it not like with Augustus” you guessed.

“Sorry I yelled at you” Bucky said softly looking to the ground.   
“It’s ok. We argued that’s normal” you shrugged seeing clearly his forced up smile.

“Hey-” you tugged at his hand pulling him to you to sit down.”-We’re all fine and whoever that was doesn’t know where we live. We can move again but not now and please let’s stay here in Bucharest” He nodded leaning into your side hugging your much smaller body, as you let yourself fall into his chest, his chin resting on top of your head.  

“I am tired” Bucky confessed, his eyes closed and yours too. Both of you almost falling asleep like this.

“We should take the chance and sleep as long as he does” both of you making yourself comfortable at each sides of little Archer. It didn’t even matter for you if it was day or night at least you could close your eyes and enjoy it cause you are 100% done with day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback appreciated
> 
>  
> 
> xoxo Sophie


	13. Fake news

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (timejump) Three words are spoken before you don’t even realise that it might me a goodbye for now…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no I am not crying at this…totally not. Really proud of this one :'(

**A year and a half later…**

Archer grew up to the most beautiful young little baby boy you’ve ever seen and also very fast. It didn’t take long for him to start crawling, brabbling, standing up and taking the first steps. He was a really active child and very curious about every little thing. As the first snow started falling he was going crazy, trying to catch it with his tongue and giggling as the snowflakes fell into his face. Christmas was interesting he played with all the wrapping paper not even with the toys he got, of course he didn’t understand the meaning of it but you are happy if he was. New Years eve was horrible you had to put headphones over his ears, he didn’t liked all the noises and explosions.

His first word wasn’t as you thought it would be ‘Mama’ or ‘Papa’ or something similar. No it was ‘Buck’, over and over again he would repeat this one word. He probably tried to copy you cause apparently you said Bucky and Buck a lot and he just picked that up. Bucky thought he is just blabbering and it was random but nope he couldn’t convince you. If that is his first word than you are fine with it. Also you really liked it as his first word.

You moved to another part of the city again but just because you saw randomly an add while shopping. It was just enough for the three of you, at least bigger than the last one so you moved earlier than you thought right after his first birthday, you expected it to be at least when Archer was old enough to use a own bed instead of the crib or sleeping with the both of you all the time but your future plans seemed to change all the time.

You woke up to Bucky grumbling something quietly and Archer giggling, turning over in bed you saw his little hands in Bucky’s hair gripping and pulling on it tightly while Bucky hid his face under the pillow. He started to pull and be a bit rougher with you, especially with both of your hair.

“Well somebody is awake” you chuckled trying to hold Archer back from Bucky’s hair.

“Certainly” you hear him say, his voice muffled by the pillow.

“How about we use the day to go to the park. We haven’t been there yet” you suggested, it would be more productive then staying inside all the time and you should use the warm days as long as they are there.

“Why not. Before I’ll lose more hair on my head” he stood up. You shortly after to get ready.

Right after breakfast you got dressed and packed a few things for a picnic, it didn’t took much longer with dressing as long as you distracted him with something. The park wasn’t so far away so you picked a good spot under a tree and laid out the blanket and food.

“Why are you frowning so much?” Bucky said as he held his hand up to not get blinded by the sun.

“Just thinking..-it’s nothing” you loosened up and tried to hold Archer on the spot before he got the chance to crawl away.

“About what?” Bucky asked interested. You always told each other everything.

“Archer. he doesn’t show any kind of sign of having a power. Obviously not mines cause he hates water and we would have noticed if he has Lukes.” you said worrying.  Augustus told you a bit about Mutant baby’s, if you called them that.

“Maybe he does or I- I don’t know maybe not? We’ll just wait and see” he assured you trying to cheer you up.

“I guess so..I just don’t wanna miss it or want him to grow up like me and think that something is wrong with him cause he doesn’t know..I just worry to much” you cut yourself off and stood up with Archer going to the swings that were not far away leaving Bucky on the spot to entertain your son for a while, make him tired because he had way to much energy sometimes. Bucky enjoyed the sun for a while, for once really relaxed and empty thought. He didn’t have that often, sometimes he still had those dark days where everything came just crushing down on him. It got better.

“What a happy little child” a voice let you almost gasp out loud as you got lost in swinging Archer in the baby swing carefully back and forth, he had a laughing fit in this thing. Turning around to the voice, which had a slight almost not noticeable russian accent that belonged to a man. “-What’s his name?” he asked.   
“Uhm- Archer..his name is Archer” you stuttered out. Taking a quick look back to Bucky who still laid on his spot.

“Which one is yours?” you asked back, he turned around looking nervously through the crowd of people before pointing to a women and a toddler in her arms a few feet away from you.”That’s my wife and.. son” You didn’t believe him.

“Well I better get going. Thank you have a good day” you chuckled nervously and picked up Archer, who already started to squirm not wanting to get out of the swing yet. Walking a bit you turned around again to take another look but he was gone. 

You stood still on the point before looking to the women he claimed to be his wife and child, they suspiciously still sat there. 

Did you turn crazy now? You didn’t imagine that did you?

“Oh good you’re back, just wanted to come and get you. Wanna head home again?”Bucky asked smiling taking Archer from you and putting him the stroller.

You stayed silent and just decided to keep it as it is, forcing yourself a smile on the lips while looking around paranoid and confused. Might be nothing besides your constant anxiety. It sadly didn’t let loose of you, the weird feeling in your guts told you there gotta be something wrong, they kept you awake the whole night not letting you close your eyes at all.

Right in the early morning you got to the farmers market, a cold shower helped to collect your thoughts a bit and the warm sunny day kept you distracted while running errands.

**Bucky’s POV**

Bucky picked up some fresh fruits right away, mostly plums because he loved them and Archer did too., every few seconds he would take a quick glance at you just to make sure and calm his nerves. He noticed you looking at some flowers, a colorful mix of Lilies before putting them away again and following the crowd to other markets.

“Hey buddy wanna buy some flowers for Mama?” he said to Archer that currently laid in his arms still a bit sleepy, playing with the strands of his hair that peeked out from behind his cap that he had on. He quickly brought the ones you just looked at and made his way to you. Why was he so nervous suddenly?

“Hello you two..-Oh are these for me?” Bucky handed you the flowers smiling happily and nodding. You blushed and admired them for a few moments.”-thank you so much. they are beautiful” you leaned to him and kissed him.  He saved up every little moment from these moments like they are his source of happiness. The little boy in his other arm started to squirm again.

“Mama!” he said giggly, bouncing up and down to make himself noticeable.

“Awww you wanna have kisses too?” you laughed and started prepper his small face with kissed while tickling him. He had a real laughing fit from this. Over your shoulder he saw a men by a kiosk looking at him shocked before moving away and running down the streets, completely abandoning his shop. He thought about telling you but he didn’t wanted you to worry about something that could be nothing especially now in this very moment. Not with Archer. He hoped it was harmless, cause with you and Archer he had a life so different, something he never saw himself in, a family like this. It got better everyday. And you wanted to life so bad and saw you everyday with a smile waking up and falling asleep, you deserved this, he wasn’t really sure about himself but he wanted this. With you.

“How about we go home again. I’ll just pick up a newspaper” he lied, cursing himself for it. He hated it. Going to the stroller he let down Archer and strapped him secure in, even if he didn’t wanted to and made grabby hands to him right away.

“Okay. I feel like baking a cake today what do you think?” you asked putting the flowers carefully on top of the stroller for a second, trying not to crush him.

“Good..Yeah we can go buy the rest on the way home.I’ll catch up with you” Bucky was ready to turn around before you stopped him shortly by taking his hand. 

“Oh and Bucky?-” you said thinking about your next words carefully before not thinking too much about it any longer and just saying what you were thinking for a while now, it just seemed like the right time. “-I love you” you said and he didn’t hesitate to move back a few steps to you and grab your face in both of his hands, kissing you with everything he had to make sure that you knew he meant it. 

“I love you too” he replied in between a few other shorter pecks and kisses. Pulling away he looked you deeply in your eyes that lit up full of love and adoration. 

Sometimes he wasn’t even sure how you would like or simply stay by his side for so long after he shared and mostly after you saw it yourself what he had done. He guessed that after everything you have been through together, it either makes it worse or better. In this case, definitely better.

Going over the streets he took a last look back to you slowly disappearing in the crowd. Sighing he turned around and looked up the newspaper. The title told him everything he needed. The front covered with his photo and the bombing in Vienna.

_“More than seventy people have been injured. At least twelve are dead, including Wakanda’s King T'Chaka. Officials have released a video of a suspect who they have identified as James Buchanan Barnes, also known as the Winter Soldier”_

He heard the small tv inside the kiosk say showing pictures and video of the people. Things he was supposedly has done. For one second he thought he forgot again, that this was really happening but like you told he he repeated his actions in the last few days and nothing in his memory showed any indication that he could have done this. He was with you and Archer all the time. Now it’s all over the media and the people already staring at him differently he thought about going back to you and run but this had nothing to do with you and Archer. You are innocent and he had go through this alone if he wanted to you safe. 

You would probably insist on helping him. Painfully he turned around in the other directions making his way home to prepare. Fighting for what he loves, only wanting you to be safe. It didn’t even matter if they would get him but from what he knew was that they are only after him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback appreciated!


	14. Civil war

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Following the storyline of civil war...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof...sorry guys was sick for a while but here it is. Enjoy :)

  
  


Already by the grocery store you got suspicious about Bucky still not catching up with you like he told you, that store was just over the street but you didn’t wanted to cling to him so you kept on walking. After the five minutes you waited in front of the store you decided to turn around and walk back to the kiosk, as you got there you couldn’t see him anywhere neither the guy who usually sold the stuff. Looking around the area you also didn’t saw him around the crowd of people passing by, minding their own business like every day. Archer passed out in the stroller after playing for hours. Sighing you went to get a look at the daily newspaper, which made your heartbeat increase and shivers run down your back. A feeling you haven’t felt for a while and you definitely not missed it. Since you left the states you weren’t really on point with the news or any Tv related stuff but if you can be sure about anything then it’s that Bucky wasn’t responsible for Vienna. Turning back on your way you walked a step faster back home hoping that he is there, napping on the couch or just already making the cake you wanted to do.

At the beginning of your street your worst fear became reality, the police blocked the street and a mass of people stood at the line. Moving forward you put the stroller aside and picked Archer up into your arms, who was still out like a light. You held him close to your chest and tried to push past the people to get to the front where you tried to speak to one of the officers.

“Hey excuse me? What is going on?” you raised your voice over the others who tried just as much to ask what is going on. Somehow you hoped that as clumsy as he can get that he just burnt the apartment down accidently because he forgot how the oven worked or something like this.

“Ma’am I’ll have to ask you to leave..just like the rest of you all!!” she yelled over the crowd but neither of them moved away.

“Listen up I don’t think either of you want to get in the way of the Winter Soldier so you better move right-” she yelled but got interrupted as a younger men stepped to her, he wore a suit and had one hand under his jacket to show his gun, clearly he was in a higher position and much..well long story short you already didn’t like him.

“What is the problem here?” he said, both of them stepping away as he shot you a side glance. A weird one, so you stepped away already imagining that they would look for you too. The last thing you heard was only confirming it.

“That is (Y/N) (Y/L/N)! Are you insane?!” you tried to walk fast but bumped constantly into other people, which woke Archer up. Before you even got the chance to get back to the stroller the guys behind you and now also in front of you caught up and surrounded you with their hand on their guns, you for sure wouldn’t make the first move, only if you had to.

“Stop right there, if you don’t want to make a scene or getting anyone in danger I suggest you to follow me Ms.(Y/L/N)” the young guy said calmly and looked towards Archer in your arms. Gulping down you nodded and followed him to car with the rest of the officers to an SUV, holding a door open for you.

“Where are we going?” you asked stopping and looking at him hesitantly.

“Berlin, germany” he straight up said and you took a step away, frowning at him.

“They keep Barnes there and they are also in control of the situation soo” he explained and motioned once again into the car. That was enough to make you go with him and all the way to the airport you tried to keep the silence between you.

“Daddy” Archer whispered once in awhile between some nonsense blabbering in his sleep. It broke your heart.

Already halfway to Berlin the detective who’s stare over the whole flight didn’t let you rest spoke up again.

“Let me guess that he isn’t Barnes child?” he asked from across your seat as you kept Archer occupied with toys. You didn’t reply and only glared at him for obvious reasons and changed the subject instead.

“Listen he isn’t responsible for Vienna ok. He was in Bucharest for the past..well long enough ok? I can assure you of that” you tried to keep your sympathy up and lay all your honesty in your voice but that didn’t help. The Captain let you mind wander off again letting you know that they are landing now.

“First of all why should I believe you?” he chuckled shaking his head and your smile fell.

“- you do know that you are accused for multiple murder including your last boyfriend and father of your child ..It won’t change a fact that Barnes is for sure responsible for a lot of crimes and I’ll make sure that he won’t get released” he shot you a toothy grin that you could punch him right of his stupid face again, police and this douchebag right here are the most arrogant people in the world you thought.

“Killed my..I- I didn’t kill Luke?! I could never..” you stuttered not believing that this really came out of his mouth.

“You can be grateful that you are not handcuffed right now” he said way to calmly in your ear as he leaned down to your level on his way out, smirking like he was really proud of himself. They are really blinded by stupidity.

Once again you found yourself in a car on your way to the station as he packed out a case with a weird looking injection, you stopped him as he went to your arm.

“Woah..What is that for?” you asked snapping your arm away.

“I am a registered nurse and rather you get this which turns off your abilities for a while or the handcuffs, don’t worry it’s not permanent” he said and you rolled your eyes accepting this.

“Of course you are” you grumbled. “-What was your name again?”   

“Todd Perkins” he replied and you nodded, remembering that name that was oddly fitting to the asshole he is, just in case.

  
***Bucky’s POV***

Hiding in the bathroom, he already knew that Steve was coming thru that door any second, also that police started to swarm into the building surrounding it from all sides. The slow, hesitant steps echoed through the room, around the corner he saw him with the shield strapped to his back. Just like in all those pictures and like he remembered from a few bits and pieces. Steve looked into his journal, it was obvious that he must know what Bucky has been doing here, trying his hardest to build up something he still wasn’t sure that he deserved it. Stepping out of his hiding spot, Steve turned around noticing it immediately.

“Do you know me?” Steve spoke up right away, closing the journal and laying it on the kitchen counter.

“You’re Steve. I read about you in museum” Bucky replied, of course he knew him but he wasn’t ready for it that Steve knew about it when he first of all started to remember himself.

“I know your nervous..and you have plenty of reasons to be. But you are lying” Steve got on while Bucky heard them coming up the stairs and also the voice in Steve’s earpiece that told him more and more information. The voice seems familiar too, he wasn’t sure but it could be the guy that dressed up as a bird.

“I wasn’t in Vienna. I don’t do this anymore” Bucky said firmly looking around as he caught a glimpse of a photograph from you and Archer on his first birthday both of your faces full of a cupcake that took forever to bake. Picking it up he put his into his pocket to take it with him in case he wasn’t seeing either of you again in a while. Isn’t it obvious that he is trying his hardest to change Bucky thought.  
“Well, the people who think you did are coming here now and they are not planning on taking you alive” Steve informed him trying to keep it short. Bucky knows but he wasn’t just giving up, he would fight for you and Archer, always.

“That’s smart. Good strategy” he heard them in front of the door now. It was time. Sighing he took one of his gloves off showing his metal arm.

“This doesn’t have to end in a fight Bucky” Steve said, he knows too.

“It always ends in a fight” he brought out.

“You pulled me from a river. Why?”

“I don’t know” Bucky lied. It could be only seconds.

“Yes you do. What about this? The girl and the baby..” Steve argued letting Bucky just clench his jaw not wanting to reply but also not getting the chance to, he didn’t want to bring you into this even more, as a bomb flew through the window and they tried to kick the door in. The fight began.

 

***Normal POV***

 

“I already told you everything. What else can there be you want to know?” you said sternly as Everett Ross started to ask questions again and again which was totally off point.

“Sorry Ms.(Y/L/N) sometimes things just don’t add up. We should make a break, thank you for the information so far” He started to leave but you stopped him.

“Can I see him or talk to him?” you asked hoping for at least five minutes with Bucky.

“No..Sorry but I really gotta go” he excused himself and left you alone with Archer in this meeting room surrounded by glass walls to have something like privacy even tho you felt eyes on you. You never felt more alone.

A few minutes later you noticed Ross coming back with some company. Obviously you knew who it was it just took you a second. Tony Stark and Natasha Romanoff. Who didn’t know them with all the fuss going on over the last years. New York, Sokovia, Washington. Social Media is plastered with them and the Avengers.

You just did a really good job at keeping them far away from you. They are not the bad, you knew that for sure but they just seemed to cause a few problems here and there. They talked about you, you knew they did. Ross came in letting you finally snap out of your stare you gave them.

“I think that is it for know. We can show you another room where you can rest for a while” he waited at the door and you stood up with Archer and the few toys they gave you.

“What happens after that. With me and him?” you asked afraid of the answer.

“Not sure yet.” he sighed. “-but it can be possible that you will be put into the Raft alongside others. Archer will be probably getting a foster home for the time being. That’s just one option” he let you know and you pushed past him.   
“Over my dead body” you mumbled, ignoring the stares of Tony and Natasha as you were showed a room for yourself. Archer stood besides you on the couch, bouncing up and down, you are glad he didn’t understood most of all of this, that he was in his own little world. If you would sit him down he would probably ran away but you are grateful that he was always a bit careful where he didn’t know the area or didn’t see you or Bucky near him.

 

Didn’t take long as you got asked back into the meeting room but not to have even more question no, someone else asked for you.

As you got near again you could see Steve sitting and waiting for you. You got a bit awestruck to see him reality but also felt calmer like you knew him just thru Bucky talking about him all the time.

“Nice to finally meet you..-” he said offering you a seat.

“Yeah you too” you chuckled, both of you going silence. Difficult to have normal conversation right now with these circumstances.

 

“Can I ask you what happened cause no one else really tells me much” you looked at Steve whose glance was on Archer first.

“I went to his or- well both of your apartment, we talked and the police stormed in. We fought, tried to get away but they catched us either way. He is ok...I guess” Steve told you, you nodded and gulped down harshly. He seemed conflicted and like he a lot going through his mind right now but you understood it, you felt the same. It was nearly to much but you wouldn’t lose your faith for a miracle, if these exist.   

“I am sorry” Steve said looking to the ground.

“Why?” you asked back confused.

“That you are both in this situation especially with uhm..- ” he stopped and mentioned to Archer.

“That’s Archer and before you ask, he is not Bucky’s son...well not biological” you laughed and looked down at him, Bucky may not be his father and you don’t want to delete Luke out of his or your lives but Bucky is definitely his dad.

“Ah ok. Well that answers a lot of my questions” he chuckled, the tension that sat in the room calmed down slowly.

“There’s Bucky!!” Archer suddenly exclaimed loudly, letting you both grin widely before you noticed that he didn’t do that completely randomly, he made pointed towards the monitor behind you. Letting you turn around, seeing that it showed Bucky sitting in a glass container cuffed like a animal.

“daddy!” Archer said whiny, making grabby hands.

Sharon and Sam, you remembered his name was came in, he introduced himself and they sat down before Sharon turned the sound up letting you hear there voices.

“Hello Mr.Barnes, I’ve been sent by the United stations to evacuate you. Do you mind if I sit?” the men stated, you couldn’t see his face but the voice was weird. You heard it before but you couldn’t put it in the right place right now.

“Your first name is James?..I am not here to judge you. I just want to ask you a few questions.” He asked questions but Bucky didn’t respond so he tried again.

“Do you know where you are James?....-I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me James”

 

“My name is Bucky.” he finally responded making you somehow proud but nothing to the fear and anxiety you felt at the moment. Steven sighed loudly before he spoke up, your fixated eyes only looked to him as you heard what he said.

“Why would the task force release this photo to begin with?” he let the picture of which supposed to be Bucky is slide into the middle of the table.

“Get the word out, involve as many eyes as possible” Sharon shrugged pacing around as you took a look at this Picture yourself, it’s blurry and yes it did kinda look like Bucky but there was no way it’s him.

“Right is a good way to flush a guy out of hiding. Set off a bomb, get seven billion people looking for the winter soldier”

That damn name is like a curse, one thing was as clear as the day and that is that James Buchanan Barnes is not the winter soldier, not the monster hydra created.

“You are saying someone framed him to find him?” Sharon questioned, it made sense if you thought about it. Something didn’t feel right at all and that already started from when you started talking to todd.

“Steve we looked for the guy for two years, went around the world and found almost nothing” Sam spoke up now and it made click in your head.

“Did you looked for him in paris by any chance?” you asked them.

“Yeah we did, not long ago why?”

“Doesn’t matter” at least one of your question that was bugging you is answered now.

“Anyway we didn’t bomb the UN. That obviously turns a lot of heads”

Over their arguing you couldn’t understand what this guy asked Bucky even tho he barely answered anyway. You felt tired physically and most of all from this bullshit. It didn’t make sense in your head and slowly but surely you got crazy between these walls and people, the stuff that Todd injected you made you also dizzy, not a good sign.

“Tell me Bucky. You’ve seen a great deal haven’t you” he asked. Bucky still staring in front of him.

“I don’t wanna talk about it” he said coldly, not showing any emotion.

“You fear that if you open your mouth, the horror might never stop. Don’t worry. We only have to talk about one.”

Now you knew where you knew this voice but it’s to late. Before you could even end your thought the lights turned off and red lights blinked in alarm. Sharon letting you know on which Level Bucky was held and they run out you stood up too but Archer cried and you had a baby now which you didn’t trust anyone with.

You couldn’t go after them no matter how much you wanted to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback appreciated
> 
> xoxo Sophie


	15. Gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Following the storyline of civil war

  
  


 

***Bucky’s POV***

“What the hell is this?” Bucky asked confused as the lights turned off.

“Why don’t we discuss your home, Archer is a nice child and (Y/N) well a good mother to him” he said smiling making Bucky’s blood boil from anger.

“-But I don’t mean Romania, certainly not Brooklyn. No, I mean your real home” he stood up and began speaking the russian words, he knew what’s coming next.

_“Longing”_

“no” Bucky mumbled softly. Just think about (Y/N), Archer. Do what she would do to calm you, he thought. All these restless nights he had you helped him but that didn’t help now when Zemo had the book. That was worse then the nightmares.

_“Rusted”_

“Stop” he brought out shaking from fear with his head leaned back. The red lights that blinked up every few moments made him only angrier. Memories from the pain he felt came rushing back letting him feel exactly how he gets turned around into the monster that Hydra created, which he tried to fight off for so long but everything they put into his head was still there. 10 words were enough to destroy these years of fighting.

_“Furnace”_

“Stop” he replied again, raising his voice this time. This can’t be happening.

“Daybreak” Zemo got on and on, walking around his cage trying to get in his head with the words.

_“Seventeen”_

Screaming and grunting now he tried to break free from the chains that hold him inside. Firstly his metal arm and then the other before trying to break through the thick glass door. Punching against it with all he had.

_“Benign”_

_“Nine”_

The door finally seemed to give in, cracks in the glass was building up and he had it almost out. But Zemo was faster with reading. The pain was stronger and the winter soldier was taking more and more Bucky away. It felt like he was being trapped away.

_“Homecoming”_

_“One”_

_“Freight Car”_

***Normal POV***

You couldn’t just stand there and wait for someone to take you to the raft or take Archer out of your arms, neither could you go and look for Bucky because you had to be a responsible mom for your son. You trusted Steve with this even it destroyed you from the inside you knew that Bucky meant to him probably even more then to you or equally but that didn’t matter. Besides that Steve wasn’t the only going. If they would make it right away was another subject so only one thing left to do. Which you could best. Run away.

With Archer in your arms who disliked the situation just as much, you grabbed your stuff and left trying to go undercover through the people that tried to run out of the building just as desperately trying to make a distance between them and a assassin. On your way out you got down a stairwell and you saw him, fighting against Tony, Sharon and Natasha. Stopping where you are you couldn’t help to think if it was the right thing to leave right now but it’s the only way. Moving along you run out now before you would run in there again like a idiot.

The risk to go in there with Archer and hope really bad that it would snap him back was to high. One of them had to get Bucky under control and you wished for Steve that he would be able to do it. Through the door you run but had your gaze still on Bucky who was inside which was a bad idea as you bumped someone with your shoulder and stumble a bit.

“Oh I am sorry” you took a quick look back. It was Sam but he was he now on your side or not? You didn’t know. His face twisted in confusion as he calle your name out.

“(Y/N)??”

“Listen...Sam it was right?.. Anyway I can’t get to Bucky but I definitely have to get away from here. I think you understand but I trust Steve and you with Bucky. Make him turn back again and tell him to call me and that I am safe. He understands.” you stuttered over your own words from tearing up a bit.

“W-What..I mean yeah sure but..Ey! Where you going?” he said but you already started to move along.

“Bucky will know.” you yelled back and moved through the streets trying to get as far away from the police as police who started to block down streets and appear around every corner.

You are gone into full panic mode.

  
***Bucky POV***

He woke up like he came from deep painful sleep with a headache, bruises covering his body and to his left he saw his metal arm being trapped. Besides that no memory to what happened. Sam and Steve appeared in front of him.

“Steve?” he asked and tried to sit up a bit, the pounding in his head got only worse as he slowly came back to himself.

“Which Bucky am I talking to?” Steve asked crossing his arms in front of his chest. He imagined a reunion a bit different but the one before wasn’t so nice either.

“Your mom’s name is Sarah” he remembered chuckling as something else came to his mind. “-you used to wear newspapers in your shoes”

“Can’t read that in museum” he replied grinning.

“Just like that we are supposed to be cool?” Sam brought up raising an eyebrow at Steve.

Bucky was now fully back remembering what happened shortly after he ‘blacked out’.

“What happened?..Wait.-(Y/N) where’s she?” he stuttered trying to free himself, anxiety raising up in him.

“-Did I hurt her? What did I do”

“Enough. (Y/N) is fine. She was here too but she told Sam that you should call her and that you knew..?” Steve told him and he sighed out loud. Looking to the ground. He wouldn’t forgive himself if something would have happened to you or to Archer. After all it was a good Idea from you to make this back up plan in case something happened, something like this.

“Oh god, I knew this would happen. Everything Hydra put inside me is still there. All he had to do was say these goddamn words.”

As Bucky looked back up he saw the guilt and the pity in his eyes, something he exactly didn’t wanted and why he has been hiding for so long. Bucky wanted to make this right when he was ready and would have dealt with this himself. Not like in a fight every time they saw each other.

“Who was he?” Steve asked up front.   
“I don’t know” he sighed out.

“People are dead. The bombing, the setup..The doctor did all that just to get ten minutes alone with you. I need you to do better than  “I don’t know”” another thing he remembered that he was good at making speeches.

“He wanted to know about Siberia. Where I was kept, he wanted to know exactly where” he thought back to the beginning after he got out of the cage.

“Why would he need to know that?”

“Because I’m not the only Winter Soldier” he said and began to tell them everything he remembered. Along the serum, the people they chose, the training and how they tried to break out. How he knew that if doesn’t follow the rules he would get tortured and how painful enough it was to be in this state all the time.

“Who were they?” Steve leaned back against a wall. A lot of information for one day just thinking about how hard and how many people it took to get Bucky down.

“Their most elite death squad. More kills than anyone on Hydra history and that was before the serum” All test objects to create a killing machine and then they made five of them along Bucky.

“They all turned out like you?” Sam spoke now up.

“Worse”

\-----

As he got the chance and some time he decided to finally call you, his impatient side giving in and typing nervously your number. It rang only a few times before it got connected to you and he heard immediately your voice.

“Hello?” you asked. Your voice slightly trembling which broke him from the inside out.

“(Y/N)” he replied softly, closing his eyes to concentrate, Bucky held himself together at this point. He got you into this situation, he was the risk around you and since he now knew that every little thing is still in his head. So he had to change something that was for sure we wasn’t quite sure what to do but Bucky had to come up with something to make sure that Archer and you are safe and sound.

“Bucky..-How are you and where are you?..I was there, I am so sorry that I couldn’t help but I just..” he heard you stuttering through the phone, your voice cracking and he stopped you.

“Hey, hey, hey (Y/N). I wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s better to stay away for now.” he sighed out.

“What are you talking about?..We had this already a million times James. You are not a danger for me and neither for Archer. Please Bucky...I don’t know what to do” you whimpered but he held back, no matter how much it hurts.   
“I am..I- I have to help Steve right now. It’s a long story but I gotta go” Bucky said. A lump formed in his throat as he wanted end the call trying to get over it not being able to hear you like this or only imagine how you are at this moment. Lost, scared, alone with a child and just like you at this moment he couldn’t do much. You among Archer who he saw as his child are always the first thing on his mind but if Zemo frees the other winter soldier then it was literally over so he had to this first and then think over the rest once it’s over.

“Bucky?” he heard you ask softly and he frowned waiting for you to go on, knowing that he would worry you more if you heard him whiny as well which happened almost never but if it’s happens than it’s really bad like he is falling into a void of darkness and pain and you are always there to catch him but not now so he fought against it.

“I love you.. Please come home...wherever that might be” you sniffled out a laugh trying to ease the tension. Another moment passed and shortly after he heard the line go flat he whispered out ‘I love you too’. Getting himself back together he got back to Steve.  
“Everything alright?” his friend asked as he noticed Bucky staring at his phone.

“Can you promise me something?” Bucky asked looking to him Steve only nodding as he saw his serious expression, worrying for his friend which was kinda already normal.

“If something happens. Take care of (Y/N) and Archer. I know you don’t really know them but I..-They are really important to me..” he said a bit quieter not wanting Sam to hear every word.

“Of course, y’know I met them..They are really- nice but you gotta explain this situation to me another time because I still don’t get it” Steve chuckled shortly  before he saw the expected van pulling up, he didn’t really think about it how serious that promise was to Bucky and neither he have much more time to discuss this right now so he just agreed letting it be for now.

Bucky took another look at his phone before putting it away. He had a bad feeling about this and an even worse idea in the back of his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback appreciated


	16. The hardest goodbyes are the ones that are never said

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Civil War is over and you live your life alone for now...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow it’s been a while. hello and sorry...btw I saw endgame just like a few hours ago so sorry if that sucks. Haven’t written in a while and I am sad af right now. Changed it also a bit up.

 

  


[Ursprünglich gepostet von steverogersnotebook](http://tmblr.co/Z1An3k2Is6G6X)

It didn’t took Steven long before he found you, his face showing somehow hints of guilt and grief, his jaw clenched as he looked around instead of looking straight at you. Exactly like you feared it to be, him trying to find the right words to describe what happened, what Bucky’s decision was.

“We have to talk” he just told you and sat down with you in one of the seats as the jet flew with auto-pilot towards Wakanda.

You felt like the world is about to collapse around you, in complete silence while you waited for these words to come out of his mouth, it felt like hours in these seconds neither of you didn’t speak. The world seemed grey and cold, time is going slower and slower. Steve himself looked tired and kinda rough. But he tried his best explaining to you that Bucky found it a better idea to just go back under without a single word, a goodbye, maybe even a talk. You had nothing from him, just that. The last time you spoke was the phone call. What he told Steve about Archer and you being better off without you, that he felt like this was the best case scenario at least for now, you would understand; Steven repeated his exact words for you. It felt like being left alone, like a break up through text or worse, through the best friend.

A promise seemed worthless in this time. 

 

Speechless with a single tear rolling down your cheek, desperately trying to keep yourself together especially in front of all these soldiers, the king of Wakanda and his family that let you stay as long as you wanted, explaining once again Bucky’s choice and condition. How long it would actually take couldn’t be answered. Steve also was talking about what actually happened in Russia, with Tony’s Parents, the Avengers, his arm and some other stuff. You couldn’t listen much now, everyone talking about other stuff, telling you they are sorry. You just had to see it yourself.

As they lead you through these glorious hallways of this magical place decorated like you would the future imagine to be, just to be cut off here from the rest of the world for decades already. Truly peaceful.

And then there he was, the sleeping beauty you thought the second you saw him laying in there. It remembered you of some mornings you would wake up before him. It was rare but if you had a good night, without nightmares or after a dark day with the sun shining through the windows right to your bed making him glow. It wouldn’t last long this special moment because Bucky always had a sense for it if you would stare at him even in his sleep.

“(Y/N).” you heard Steve mumble out. The room now empty, just the four of you if you even could count Bucky.

“It’s like waiting for him to wake up” you replied, not sure if he understood what you told yourself. Fixed on him you couldn’t concentrate on anything else.

“You want to have a second alone with him?” he carefully asked, sighing and silently laying his hand on your shoulder making you tense before stepping away a few steps not daring to look back at Bucky. Suddenly feeling weird to look at him, he won’t wake up, that was his decision.

“No. Can you show me where I can stay?” you walked away waiting at the door where he followed shortly and directed you a bit outside the big tower into a another one, not far away, where you they let you stay in a apartment. Much different to anything you had before, bigger and more glamorous than you felt actually comfortable with. Steve left after trying to attempt another conversation with you but in the end gave you the time you needed. Archer had his own room, a lot of toys, a paradies for a kid.

You had for yourself a big bedroom with a large bed in the middle of the room pointed to a balcony with open doors as the sun slowly set. A breathtaking sight that let your skin warm up in the last the rays of sunshine before you tried to sleep but everytime you would turn over you saw the empty side of the bed. No snoring, no one there to calm you after a nightmare, no one you could take in your arms or would hear grumble some words in different languages. It was annoying you already so you threw away the covers and went to Archers room and picked him up taking him with you back to your room and laying down besides you. He didn’t even mind and slept through all that. For not knowing how long you just laid there with him admiring his features that looked more and more like Luke until your body seemed to shut down and letting you fall asleep.

Weeks and weeks followed by not knowing what to do. Steve and others visited you trying to come close, you saw almost every corner of Wakanda in your endless free time but still every day you visited Bucky just sitting there and looking. Archer stayed with you actually even tho you started to think that it might be not a good idea to let him see Bucky this way. So the visits got less from every day to a few times a week to once a month. Archer asking a lot for him, the more he learned to speak to do things he hasn’t done before. Things you liked to share with Bucky because you loved how happy he would get after Archer would learn something new or how his eyes would sparkle with joy if he would get to see new stuff, animals for example.

While your free time you decided to start with some training again, it just couldn’t continue like this being helpless the second you were alone, Steven was so nice to introduce you to fellow teammates. Wanda one of them was helping a lot, she didn’t have the same abilities as you did, she is actually much stronger than everyone you could think of but she tried to help you with your hand motions and tricks she did to learn so you could control it much better. Natasha showed you a bit hand-to-hand combat and how to use a weapon.

Christmas was here and you invited Steve over thinking that it might be also not easy for him and he sometimes seemed lonely. To pinpoint it out what was actually up with him was almost impossible but there was for sure something bothering him or maybe he didn’t told you something. Gifts were exchanged, a dinner was held and Steve ended up sleeping in the guest bedroom. New Years, Birthdays and all that just flew away. Time meant nothing anymore.

You hadn’t seen Bucky for a few months now but about a few weeks ago Steve let you know that they actually made a step forward and it might be a breakthrough, Shuri, the smart teenage girl who also is the princess of Wakanda gave you also daily news. All she was talking about was almost not understandable to you but what was coming out that he is supposed to wake up soon, like really soon but you only replied with a forced smile and a ‘Ok’. It was as clear as the day that everyone was worried and also curious about you, opening up to people was still a big problem to you.

“You want to be there when he wakes up?” Natasha asked after the last session as you changed into different clothes.

“I don’t think so” you continued to pack you back. Steve was asking that for a week straight now and everytime you would say the same four words. If you would be there what were you supposed to do. Greet him like he didn’t just left you for a whole year that could have turned into forever if Shuri wouldn’t be able to help him as he requested.

“I know how you must feel, being just left alone but maybe you should see over this. The way Steve is talking about Barnes, it seems like he needs you know more than ever” she explained and watched you putting your stuff almost angrily in your bag just shoving it inside.

“Really? What else did he told you cause from my sight. I was trying for a long time to help him and I really thought it did help and then suddenly I wasn’t good enough and he really thought that he was still danger for us- Maybe I needed him also!?” you shut your locker with a loud thud, voice cracking from every emotion you just kept deep inside you over the year.

“-I don’t know if I should go or if it’s a bad idea if I do. I don’t even know what I am doing still here waiting, it just doesn’t feel right Nat” you steadied your temper a bit and picked up your stuff, ready to leave and go home. She didn’t said anything else afterwards and you should probably apologize later or even tomorrow, it already got late.

“Hello you two. Did you have lots of fun today?” you grinned widely as you stepped into the living room, Steve painting something with Archer as they silently giggled along each other.

“Mommy!!” he run towards you and you picked him up, hugging him and showering him with kissed which made him erupted in even more giggles.

“Thanks for taking care of him again” you let him back down and followed him, sitting back down on the carpet as he showed you his pictures.

“I told you don’t have to thank me everytime, I like the time with him. He’s a really smart and  kind boy.” he ruffled his hair and stood back up.

“I’ll be right back baby” you kissed Archer’s forehead and lead him to the door to say goodbye.

“You coming tomorrow?” he tried once again, tomorrow is the big day. How could you forget, not like that wasn’t letting you sleep for a week now.

“Steve..”you started but he held his hands up.

“I know, I know...Just sleep over it another time” he said and you nodded, hugging him another time before closing the door after he left you alone again with your thoughts.

The next day around noon you decided to visit Bucky. It was time you decided. Shuri encountered you on the way to him.

“Hey (Y/N)..Uhm you are a bit early. He hasn’t woke up yet” she checked another time on her phone his vitals but not like you didn’t knew that.

“I know. Won’t take long” you assured her and went around her into the room. He looked almost like always, laying there still sleeping just this time in a bed. Walking to one of the sides of his bed or well maybe more like table, you looked at him. Peaceful, chest moving with every breath he took. It felt surreal now but you slowly reached for his hand to hold it. It was unexpectedly warm. Naturally you also reached for his face just to run your fingers down his hair to his jaw. For a couple of more moments you waited and as he started to move slightly you backed away and back out of the room.

Bucky was actually almost awake as you came into the room. Still stuck between being unconsciousness and awake he knew someone came thru the door, by the time you held his hands, it was clear who it is. He was sure it was you and wanted to wake up but felt also scared that you would punch right back into a coma or something like this. Bucky wondered how long it has been while being in cryo again, scared that it was way longer and that he might be regretting the whole thing afterwards. The sensation of your fingertips over his face tingled, made him feel safe and comfortable. Bucky already started to think that he dreamed a good dream for once, that nothing was different or changed, that he was still frozen but it was too real for him, no words were spoken, it worried him. He is ready to open his eyes but then your hand disappeared again, footsteps slowly backing away until it was silent again. Just several hours later he actually woke up, with Steve in the room reading something in the seat besides him. You were nowhere in sight.

"Good Morning Sergeant Barnes" Shuris voice called out from the other side which made Steve stand up from his spot and stand by his side.

"How long was I out?" He asked, his voice a bit unsure as he sat up straight.

"Almost a year. Your vitals are normal and it should be all back in place, now obviously we have to run a few tests to try it out before I can really say that I've done my job if you don't mind" she said and proceed with the tests. Was almost like a normal check up and once the tests were done and he got the certainty about it, he got a new more basic outfit for outside but stayed for a while with Steve to get it just over it before it would plague his mind any longer and he had clearly enough of that now.

"How are they?" Bucky asked.

"They are fine. I tried to get them here but (Y/N),she..well they" he stuttered with a loss of words.

"She can have an attitude right? And she is not happy. Are they still here?" He finished Steve's sentence himself knowing well how you must be. Your attitude sometimes was one of a lot characteristics he loved..most of the time.

"Actually I don't know how they are. They are here but well she shut herself a bit off from everyone, started training but Archer is great, has been asking for you." Steve sighed out deeply and nodded towards the exit to follow him.

"Training, why? For what?" He furrowed his brows as he asked like he was expecting that there is going to be another war or something of like that. Concerned for what it could be if started to suddenly train.

"Nothing. Nat and Wanda has been helping her but couldn't say much more about it" Steve remarked and stopped outside by a bench to sit down.

"What do want to do now?" He asked as Bucky stayed silent.

"I guess try to talk to her" he shrugged and had to grin, not knowing where to even start.

"Sergeant Barnes. I was informed you are awake." T'Challa came walking up to them with two dora milaje by his side.

"Just Bucky. Thank you for letting me stay here and my family too"he meaningly and truthfully said, the hospitality was more than he could thank him for.

"You are welcome as long as you wish for." He nodded a quick goodbye to the both of them and walked away again.

"Wanna go to them now?" Steve changed back to their previous subject.

"Why not..I guess" he responded with content smile even he was certain that you had to talk about a lot of things but this felt like the kinda homecoming he wished he had after the war. Like the soldats coming to their waiting wives and kids, having a family had its perks but he wouldn't let go of that, whatever it takes.

Not far away from their spot Steve showed him their apartment, guessing that you would be home by now from your daily walk through the citys. Now leaving him alone, not wanting to be there just because it wasn't simply right if he would stay. With no further hesitation or other disturbing thoughts he knocked on the door a couple of times. With no big anticipation he stood there waiting until the door finally opened, wide enough to let him see you. You clung to the door not saying anything or showing any kind of emotion waiting for him to say something.

You thought about what to say the whole day and even the last whole week since Shuri meant it would be finally the time.

“I know what I did but it was the only solution for me” he straight up brought out, at least he didn’t hesitate you thought and nodded at him with a serious expression, walking back into the apartment so he could follow you inside. First things he saw as he looked around was that it looked like home, things he only remembered to have in your small Bucharest flat. Pictures actually hung up, a few toys scattered around, everything just had a personal touch.   

“Where you in a rush? Was it like one of these now or never situations or more like well either that or I never get the chance again cause I know (Y/N) is gonna say no once she gets here” you mimicked his voice and called him out but you waited a year for that.

“-cause I get it then. Really James that was the right decision. I didn’t know I was that annoying that someone has to freeze himself in order to not see me again. Just tell me the next time please. That would help both of us!” you shouted but not as loud as you wanted to, Archer could sleep through a storm but not with someone fighting in the next room.

“It wasn’t like that and you know that.” he calmly told you, which made it even harder to be not mad at him.

“Tell me how it was cause I wasn’t here as you made this decision and it make me think that we don’t mean something to you and if-”you gulped down harshly before rethinking your choices of words.

“If that is the case then I’ll be gone tomorrow and you don’t have to see either of-” With watering eyes you felt your body began to shake, feeling the beginning of a panic attack rising letting you stumble over your words and thinking out loud, that happened a few times before.

“Woah. I never said that and I won’t. (Y/N) I love you...both! I couldn’t live without you and I don’t want to” he stepped forward stopping you mid-sentence trying to close the distance and finally take you in his arms again but you stepped back and crossed your arms in front of your chest, hugging yourself tightly.

“Don’t. You can sleep on the couch if you want to” you said and walked away closing your bedroom door behind you and laid down besides Archer who still slept most of the time in your bed. Staring at the ceiling you felt your tears burn in your eyes. It would be another sleepless night.

Bucky stood still helpless in the middle of the room, hoping you would return. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he got comfortable on the couch with a blanket draped over his legs and one of his arms behind his head staring around the room, being wide awake. 

The moonlight was letting him see enough of the room. The photos that hung on the walls, a few of Archer, you and even Steve, after this conversation he was even more surprised that there were lots of him also. Some things he just missed, photos from Archers Birthday, him meeting rhinos for the first time or his second birthday. 

A look around the room stopped on the table by the couch, drawings caught his attention as he sat up again to take a closer look at them. All of them are Archers drawings and some smaller doodles that definitely looked like Steve’s artwork. Seemed to be from him at different occasions even tho he wasn’t there at one of these, another one of him sleeping in the cryotube letting him know that you must have went there a couple of times. Steve was right about you shutting yourself off. He fucked up that’s what he got out of everything and that was nothing compared to fights you had before, it was serious and it might can’t be fixed anymore.


End file.
